ISRAEL

THANK GOD. MY ROOMMATE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND JUST LEFT FOR ISRAEL FOR A WEEK. THE PROBLEM IS, AND PEOPLE WHO READ MY BLOG KNOW, THAT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GET MY CREDIT REPORT WORKED OUT FOR ABOUT THREE MONTHS. HE ASSURED ME, PROMISED ME IN FACT THAT HE WOULD WORK ON GETTING AN ONLINE APPLICATION TO THE CREDIT UNION BEFORE HE LEFT. THAT DIDNT HAPPEN.

YESTERDAY, I SAID, DUDE, BEFORE YOU LEAVE, PLEASE CLEAN UP THE ANIMAL EATEN TRASH BAGS THAT YOU LEFT ON THE FRONT PATIO THE DAY WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO CLEAN UP THE HOUSE FOR POTENTIAL RENTERS BUT DIDNT SO YOU THREW THE TRASH IN THE FRONT YARD AND LEFT IT. ANIMALS ATE THE CRAP OUT OF IT. OK, BUT CAN YOU HELP ME HE ASKED.

NO FUCKING WAY.

HE LEFT THIS MORNING AND THERE STILL THERE.

CRAZY THING IS THAT I HAVE TOLD HIM MANY TIMES THAT ANIMALS LIKE FOOD AND THERE IS FOOD IN TRASH. HE DID IT AGAIN. I DONT THINK HE GETS IT OR LEARNS FROM MISTAKES? JUST DOESNT REMEMBER FUCK UPS OF THE PAST ? COULD IT BE AN EARLY STAGE OF ALZHEIMERS?

SO HE LEFT FOR ISRAEL AND NOW IM STUCK WITH A TRASHED FRONT YARD AND A BAD CREDIT SCORE.

THANKS ROOMMATE FROM HELL. YOU'RE THE BEST!

FIRE PART 3

GOT HOME YESTERDAY AND MY ROOMMATE LEFT THE HOUSE AND FORGOT HE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF MAKING LUNCH. HE LEFT TWO SLICES OF BREAD ON ONE OF THOSE TOAST MASTER FLAT GRILL LIKE TOASTERS, TOASTING AT 400 DEGREES. CRAZY. I COME HOME AND SMELL SMOKE AND NOTICE THE CHARRED BREAD AND CHEESE LEFT OUT. I ALSO NOTICED THE REFRIGERATOR WAS LEFT WIDE OPEN. I CANT BELIEVE THIS. I HAVE LIVED HERE FOR 3 YEARS.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I GOT UP OUT OF BED AT AROUND 2 AM TO GET A GLASS OF WATER FROM THE KITCHEN. I WALKED DOWN THE STEPS IN THE DARK AND AT THE BOTTOM STEP I COLLAPSED. THE FUCKER LEFT HIS GOOFY ASS MED SCHOOL CLOGS RIGHT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STEPS. I WAS ALREADY SORE DUE TO THREE HOURS OF BASKETBALL EARLIER IN THE DAY. MY ANKLE TWISTED AND I FUCKING COLLAPSED. GEEZUS. THE KID JUST DOESN'T THINK. I'M IN PAIN TODAY.

CREDIT CARD KILLER part 90

So. My roommate still has not contacted the credit agency to fix my credit. He said on Thursday that it was the first thing on his list. I couldnt get a hold of him all day and then realized that his girlfriend was coming in. Long story shot. He didnt do it. Now I have to think about this shit over the New Years. Way to ruin mine dude/dick.

BROWN SPOTS ON THE CARPET

I DONT KNOW HOW HE DID IT BUT THERE ARE THESE DIRTY BROWN SPOTS ALL OVER THE RIGHT SIDE OF HIS ROOM. THE CARPETS LOOK LIKE A DALMATION TOOK A SHIT IN HIS ROOM EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR. I MEAN, YOU OWN THIS HOUSE, HOW COULD YOU HAVE A DALMATION SHIT ON YOUR FLOOR EVERYDAY BRINGING MONEY OUT OF MY POCKET BECAUSE YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT THE CARPETS ARE GOING TO BE REPLACED SOON. NOBODY IS GOING TO RENT THIS PLACE WITH UBS ON THE FLOOR. UNIDENTIFIED BROWN SPOTS.

CREDIT

SOME OF YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT MY ROOMMATE DESTROYED MY CREDIT BY BEING 30 DAYS LATE ON MORTGAGE PAYMENTS TWICE OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS. WELL, THE BANK TOLD ME THAT IF HE WRITES A LETTER TO THE CREDIT AGENCY SAYING THAT IT WASNT MY FAULT THEN MAYBE THEY WOULD TAKE THE BLIP OFF OF MY REPORT. I HAVE BEEN ASKING HIM TO DO THIS FOR ABOUT THREE MONTHS NOW AND IT STILL HASNT BEEN ACCOMPLISHED. CRAZY. I MEAN, COME ON DUDE, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND HELP A FRIEND FIX HIS CREDIT SO HIS LIFE IS FUCKED BECAUSE OF SOMETHING YOU DID. ARE YOU FREAL?

Turn your voice down please

My roommate had the audacity to tell me to turn the TV down at 11:30 at night while he stayed on the phone yelling and laughing for 3 hours after that.

When I went to sleep I yelled, "Can you please turn your voice down a little."

FIRE BURN PART 2

So, I havent rented the house out yet but i'm still trying very hard, especially after two recent roommate situations. The first one I wrote about a month or two ago; Some of you may remember that my roommate left the gas seaping out of the stove all night, Then a few days ago I wrote a entry entitled "Fire Burn" about my roommate and his girlfriend making a fire in the fireplace

I bought a vaccum cleaner yesterday because I didnt feel like spending $110 for the cleaning girls to come over. I noticed something scary while vaccuming the main room where the fireplace is. There was a black thing on the floor near the fireplace. I thought it was a roach or a bug or something but at closer glance it was a chared wood ember, sitting above a burnt indent in the hardwood floors. He must not have noticed that the house almost burnt down while he and his girlfriend watched TV last Sunday. I noticed that he didnt close the fireplace screen door while the fire was burning. Crazy. I need to get a renter in here for peace of mind and to save my investment before he burns it down.

FIRE BURN!!

MY Roommates girlfriend was in this past weekend. He built a fire on Sunday and made his girl some tea like a good boyfriend should do. I was sitting in the room watching TV getting ready to get up to leave this scene but was being lazy. The fire he built quickly burnt out so he scrambled around the house to find more "stuff" to burn. He came downstairs with the same mesh trash can he uses to file his nails and uses the trash in it as kindling. The problem is that he never learned that you cant burn magazines and glossy like paper. He was chucking calenders, printing paper and magazines into the fireplace. While watching TV I realized that I was having difficulty breathing. I turned around and saw him chucking all this crap in. The entire house started filling up with noxious smoke. That was yesterday.

Presently I am sitting here in the same room watching the Philadelphia Flyers game while eating delivery Chinese. The wind started blowing outside and all of a sudden that horrible smell is back. He didn't close the fucking flew and now there is this smelly dust everywhere. All I wanted to do was watch the flyer's game and eat in peace without having to smell the equivalent of a Cannibal BBQ.


My clothes smell too.

HEATER GUY

I was expecting a heating and air conditioning guy this morning because the heat wasnt working. He called and said he was running a few minutes late so I jumped in the shower in the hopes that I would beat him. He must have rang the door bell while I was in the shower because I heard my roommates door open and felt the vibration of somebody running down the steps. As I left the bathroom, I looked down the steps right when my roommate was letting him in the front door. Once again, my roommate answered the door in nothing but tight ass boxer briefs. I couldnt believe that he did that again and what the hell was the heating guy thinking. The first time was with a Chinese food delivery guy Poor guy.

I was like dude, sorry about my roommate. He just always walks around in those things.

HA.

TANNING GOGGLES

HAHAHAHA IT JUST GETS WEIRDER AND WEIRDER AROUND HERE.


I shouldn't have been snooping through my roommates room but I was for good reason. I was looking for missing socks and underwear.

As I was looking, I saw those plastic tanning goggles that people use in tanning Boothes on his bed. Then I opened a drawer where he keeps his socks and I found another pair of tanning goggles yet none of my socks. Then I went over to his computer desk and opened those drawers to find, what do you know, more tanning goggles. Its crazy because these things are like 10 bucks at the tanning place. Anyway, my mission changed after finding the tanning glasses at his computer desk. It was my goal to see how many pairs he owned. I found 7 pairs in his room.

Crazy.

Where the F is my food

I went food shopping last week for the first time in a while. I basically gave up on food shopping a while back out of the pure frusteration of missing food. So I came home a few hours ago and while I was watching football games I

Baseball Game

Sitting at my desk tonight still trying to learn about finance stuff while watching the Phillie's game my roommate comes in with pajama pants, no shirt to cover his hairy, sonic boom chest and carrying his own chair. He sits uncomfortably close to me and begins to watch the game without speaking a word. When I say close, I mean like we are at a real baseball game close. I said, " Uh, dude. Why did you just sit so close to me?" I am comfortable with my manhood but its just weird that he brought a chair into my room and placed it so close to me and with no shirt on. Its hilariously bazaar. I go back to work and he says right behind me, "yo, man.....its just me and you....What do you want to do about it?" "Get out of my room. You are annoying me." "Dude, are you just jealous that im going to be a doctor and you just a salesman?" "No, not at all, I just think that you are being a little too gay for me right now and you need a time out, A long one...Maybe like 5 years. " "Yeah, I do need a long one, is yours long?" " GET OUT OF MY ROOM"

NAIL CLIPPING

Im sitting in my room at my desk trying to read about stock valuation while my roommate clips his nails in the bathroom. I swear from the sound of it, if you didnt know him and have never seen him you would think he has 12 arms and 8 legs.

After he is finished he will go to his room and use his ikea mesh trash can as a nailfile.

shit close call. While I was typing that he came in with the trash can and I couldnt minimize the screen. This blog was almost revealed

TV

My roommate is watching TV right now and I'm almost sure that the entire street can hear it.

MISSING SHIRT. NO MISSING PANTS

A FEW MINUTES AGO I WAS LOOKING AROUND MY HOUSE FOR A PARTICULAR SHIRT THAT I WANTED TO WEAR TO DINNER WITH MY FAMILY. I COULDNT FIND IT SO OF COURSE I AUTOMATICALLY THOUGHT THAT MY ROOMMATE WORE MY NEW SHIRT. I'M SURE YOU WOULD TOO. WHILE BEGINING TO FREAK OUT I DECIDED TO CHECK HIS ROOM TO SEE IF HE HAD IT SOMEHWERE. MEANWHILE, HIS ROOM IS LITERALLY PILES OF CLOTHES RIGHT NOW, IM NOT JOKING, HIS ENTIRE ROOM IS COVERED IN PILES OF CLOTHES TO THE POINT WHERE YOU CANT SEE THE FLOOR.
I STARTED FLIPPING THROUGH THE HANGING CLOTHES IN HIS CLOSET AND WHAT DO I FIND? NOT THE SHIRT I WAS LOOKING FOR BUT THE TWO PAIRS OF VERY EXPENSIVE DRESS PANTS THAT I HAVE BEEN BLAMING MY DRY CLEANERS FOR LOSING FOR ABOUT 5 MONTHS NOW. WHAT THE FUCK. I ASKED HIM MULTIPLE TIMES OVER THE PAST FEW MONTHS IF HE HAD SEEN THEM. OBVIOUSLY, HE SAID NO.

WHAT A DICK. SO I HAVE BEEN STUCK WEARING WEARING PLEATED PANTS TOWARDS THE END OF THE WEEK BECAUSE OF HIM. I HATE PLEATS AND GIRLS DONT LIKE THEM EITHER

I FINALLY FOUND THE SHIRT IN MY DIRTY CLOTHES.

UNREAL. FO REAL

If you can remember, I recently wrote two blogs pertaining to my roommate screwing up my credit by bouncing a check with our mortgage company and then almost doing it again the next month. Well, for a third time in 1 1/2 months time, Wells Fargo called me and let me know that we had a little problem. Basically, one of the checks couldnt be deposited because the legal description on the check was a different amount then the numerical amount. Guess whos check that was?



AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THE GAS MAN

My roommate and I were having an Ambien induced cook off while discussing the prospective tenant who is waiting on our decision to stay or go. While we were discussing he cuts frozen soup out of the bag and then starts stabbing and pounding it with a sharp knife all while its heating. He continued to do this so as the soup warmed up it started to splash all around the kitchen. He thought he was being funny because we were both tweaked out on Ambien sleep aids, meanwhile, I'm still up somehow writing about this, I guess I need a stronger sleep aid. Right now its 3:45 AM. About two minutes ago I got up to get a drink of water and to turn on the air. I openened the door and instantly got hit with a blast of gas smell all up in my nose. It almost knocked me out. No it wasn't my roommate farting. I knew immediately what it was because he had cooked soup on the stove a few hours earlier. It had to be the stove. In fear of explosion, I ran down to the kitchen to turn it off. I slowly turned the knob to off and heard a click which I thought was the first sign of a chain reaction leading to my death. (I was on Ambien) Thank god that never happened. He could have killed us! IDIOT

And yet another fan

So now that my blog is blowing up with a total of three fans, im thinking that I have to go out and buy me some Bling. In the meantime, I dont know what to do because I think that I found somebody who wants to rent the house. A nice woman who will treat the place with some respect and get me out of those high utility bills. Do I really want to move out? What will happen to my blog? My roommate is actually down with moving out. We spoke breifly about it last night. Then he did some weird balerina dance to the bathroom. What a wacko. What should I do? If I had like 1,000 fans then maybe it would be worth staying in hell for another few months just so I could complete my impending book deal with Random House.

I dont know. All I know is that by November 1st I may be moving but dont worry people. I think I have enough stories to last a life time even if I don't continue to live with The Roommate.

One of my fans thinks i'm cool and wants to know more about me. Hmmm. What would you like to know fan?

SUCCESS! and short new roommate info

I RECIEVED ANOTHER POST FROM SOMEBODY I DONT KNOW TODAY. I APPRECIATE THE POST. ITS VERY COMFORTING KNOWING THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO FEEL FOR ME AND SUPPORT MY CAUSE. I MAY START A NON PROFIT FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME.


So, I am showing the house today to a prospective tenant. My roommate knew that he had to help clean the house enough to be presentable. I woke up this morning to the typical slamming bathroom cabinets and hairdryer and noticed that he had cleaned his room. Thank God. I went downstairs and realized that his room was the only thing he had cleaned. He left dishes in the sink plus left blankets and pillows on the couches that his friend who slept over last night used. On his way out of the house he had the F'ing nerve to say "my room sure looks a lot better than yours." First off. I woke up later and didn't get to cleaning it yet. Two is, I'm the one showing the F'ing house, not him. I have to come home from work to do this. He wouldn't do that. Also, I am the one who had to remind him over and over again to clean. PLEASE GOD, PLEASE LET THIS PERSON LIKE THE HOUSE SO I CAN MOVE OUT.

PEE SMELL

CLEANING SERVICE WAS HERE THREE DAYS AGO. ROOMMATE GOT HOME LAST NIGHT. NOW, ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE TOILET VICINITY SMELLS LIKE PISS. WHAT THE F

YOU ARE 28 YEARS OLD. MAKE IT IN THE BIG HOLE IN FRONT OF YOU.

DOES ANYONE THINK THAT I SHOULD MAKE MY ROOMMATE PAY FOR 75 % OF THE LAST TWO ELECTRIC BILLS?

SMELL YOURSELF TO SLEEP?

ROOMMATE AND GIRLFRIEND ARE HERE. THEY JUST WENT TO SLEEP. MY ROOMMATE SPRAYED COLOGNE ON HIMSELF THEN ENTERED HIS ROOM AND SHUT THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.

Cologne?

HOUSE IS CLEAN BUT TOOTHPASTE IS GONE

GOT HOME LAST NIGHT FROM MY LAST MINUTE LA TRIP. THAT PLACE IS SWEEEET! I was very upset being back and the last thing I wanted was to see my roommates pig mess. I was surprised to come home to an extremely clean house, then remembered that I booked cleaning ladies before I left. My roommate must have let them in. Anyway, I woke up and went to brush my teeth. I had two tubes of toothpaste in my medicine cabinet. They are both gone. What the F. I just want to be a normal 28 year old and be able to brush my teeth when I want to brush my mother F'ing teeth....... damn it!
Now I have to leave my house with my mouth smelling like his room.

SICK FRIEND

MY COLLEGE FRIEND ANDREW WAS IN TOWN FOR HIS BROTHERS WEDDING. HE STAYED AT MY PLACE WEDNESDAY NIGHT; HE HAD AN EARLY FLIGHT TO LA THE NEXT MORNING AND I SAID THAT I WOULD DRIVE HIM TO THE AIRPORT. WE HUNG OUT FOR A LITTLE AND THEN AS A JOKE I DECIDED THAT I WOULD NAME MY OWN PRICE AT PRICELINE.COM. WELL, IT TOOK MY PRICE AND NOW I AM IN LA AT THE W HOTEL. THAT'S NOT WHY I AM WRITING.

I HAVE TALKED ABOUT HOW MY ROOMMATE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THERMOSTATS AND HOW OUR ELECTRIC BILLS ARE THROUGH THE ROOF. $ 450 last month, a slight improvement this month to $399. Anyway, when I arrived in LA, I couldn't find my friend because he lost his phone at the airport that morning. I took a later flight. So I was forced to stay at the Beverly Hilton last night which wasn't too shabby but also not free like his hotel would have been. I finally found my friend this morning and he was sick as a dog. He said, dude, you need to get out of that house. Your roommate got me sick. The house was so cold. I have been coughing and puking since I got here. I really think I caught pneumonia in your house.

If there is a Pneumonia outbreak in the world it probably started in my house. I think I saw he penguin the other day.

FICA SCORE KILLA

THE ROOMMATE CREDIT KILLER ALMOST STRIKES AGAIN TODAY.

TODAY, WHILE WORKING FROM HOME, MY ROOMMATE COMES BACK TO THE HOUSE FROM SCHOOL. HE STARTED PACKING A BAG SO I ASKED HIM WHERE HE WAS HEADED. HE AND A FRIEND WERE GOING TO ATLANTIC CITY TO PLAY IN A POKER TOURNAMENT.

"COOL, MAYBE I'LL MEET YOU DOWN THERE LATER"

I JUMPED INTO THE SHOWER BECAUSE I HAD AN APPOINTMENT. WHILE SOAPING UP I HEAR MY ROOMMATE YELL, "YO, I NEED TO ASK YOU FOR A HUGE FAVOR." I SIGHED HEAVILY KNOWING THAT I WOULDN'T LIKE THE REQUEST. IT WAS EITHER THAT HE NEEDED A RIDE SOMEWHERE OR HE NEEDED MONEY.

"WHAT'S THAT?"

"I NEED TO BORROW LIKE TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR TONIGHT"

A GRUNT AND ANOTHER SIGH CAME OUT OF ME. "WHY?"

" BECAUSE i JUST CHECKED MY ACCOUNT AND I ONLY HAVE 30 DOLLARS IN THERE."

I IMMEDIATELY LOST MY SHIT, NOT BECAUSE HE NEEDED MONEY BUT BECAUSE LAST MONTH HE F'D MY CREDIT BECAUSE HIS CHECK BOUNCED FOR THE MORTGAGE AND I HAD JUST FED-EX'D SEPTEMBERS PAYMENT YESTERDAY.

"DUDE, FIRST OFF, ITS NOT MY JOB TO BAIL YOU OUT, SECOND, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING TO HAPPEN WITH THE MORTGAGE PAYMENTS I JUST SENT IN?

"I CHECKED, THEY ALREADY WITHDREW IT."

"WELL, THAT'S CURIOUS CONSIDERING I JUST SENT IT YESTERDAY AFTERNOON. WHY ARE YOU LYING, YOUR GOING TO FUCK MY CREDIT UP FOR GOOD AND I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.

HE SAID "SHIT" AND THEN I HEARD THE FRONT DOOR TO THE HOUSE SHUT. i REALLY HOPE HE IS GOING TO RESOLVE THIS TODAY.

TELEVISED BOXING MATCH

THE HOUSE WAS EMPTY THIS WEEKEND. I WENT TO THE BEACH AND MY ROOMMATE WENT AWAY WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. I GOT HOME BEFORE HIM AND WANTED TO START PREPARING FOR THE NEW WEEK BY DOING SOME LAUNDRY. IN THE WASHER THERE WERE WET CLOTHES THAT SMELLED BADLY OF MILDEW AND ALSO HAD WEIRD YELLOW STUFF ALL OVER THEM. I ALSO NOTICED THAT THEY WERE ALL MY CLOTHES AND TOWELS. WHY HE DECIDED TO DO A LOAD OF MY LAUNDRY AND NOT DRY THEM ELUDES ME BUT TO MAKE IT WORSE, HE DECIDED TO WASH A PACKET OF VITAMINS WITH MY CLOTHES, HENCE THE YELLOW STUFF. UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE.

NOW I BET YOU ARE THINKING THAT HE MUST HAVE DONE THIS ON PURPOSE. I DONT THINK SO BUT SOMETIMES I THINK THAT HE KNOWS ABOUT THIS BLOG. MY FRIENDS THINK THAT THIS BLOG WILL LEAD TO A MUCH ANTICIPATED BOXING MATCH WHICH WILL BE TELEVISED

Mezuzah Man PART 1

5 months ago my roommate took a weekend trip up to NYC with his friend from med school. They went to a block party on the Upper West Side where most of the houses were open for partying. In one of these houses he met the love of his life. He came back that Sunday, makes a crap load of noise and wakes me up from a nap by yelling "I'm in love, I'm in love, just like Elf did in the highly acclaimed film, Elf. I was just thinking, Fuck, he's back. He runs up to my room proclaiming love and explained how he met this beautiful and smart, Jewish red head with a great ass. He couldn't wait for me to meet her, however, he did have one concern. She was extremely religious. Modern Orthodox and he didn't know whether she knew that he was not very Jewish. The next day he told me that she was going to be visiting that next weekend for Shabbat and that I shoulnt use the special plates and knives that he bought specifically for her. For those non Jews out there, Jewish people have a special set of holy dishware for the holidays. There was a set of rules I had to follow for shabbat. I couldnt believe what was happening. I couldnt use a phone, watch tv or turn lights on or off from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. Later that day I came home and to see a brand new Mezuzah affixed on the back door to the house. I was thinking, oh god, this is serious and what an ugly f'ing mezuzah. Then I had one on my bedroom door and one on his door and one on the bathroom door and another one on the front door. He put Mezuzahs everywhere. Special dishware and Mezuzahs. Where the hell do I live? He really jew'd this place up. I mean, I guess that makes me a better person by default.

Part 2 later....

MY BROTHER MY BRO

Last Friday night a group of friends and I, including my roommate all decided we were going to see Super Bad at a suburban movie theater. We entered the movie a bit late due to our pre film, hot box car session. We walked slowly up the theater steps during the previews while our eyes adjusted to see that the theater was jam packed. My Roommate led the group and miraculously found probably the best 4 seats all next to each other in the middle of the row. As he walked into the aisle, we heard a thud and a man say, "Yo, what the fuck, watch where you're going." The guy stood up and my eyes had adjusted enough to see that he was large, black and pissed. So my roommate with his really loud voice says, "Sorry my brother." My brother? What the hell? What was the hell was he thinking?
"aight, just watch where you're standing"
"Sorry, bro, I apologize." He said it again, unbelievable, my brother and then after I hit him he says bro? What an idiot. A short stocky Jew calling a large, upset black man, my brother, may be hilarious, but not advisable. As, I walked by I apologized and said, "how do you think I feel, he's my roommate.

IM TIRED AND FUNNY STORY

I'm Tired. Cant sleep. Have nothing to write about so I will tell a funny story.

It was 6th grade. I was a bit immature for my age and in a very impressionable phase of life. Any little thing that happened in my social life would really affect me. I rushed out of the house and got to school just in time for homeroom. My first period class was English and after that was gym. Having gym class second period sucked, the rest of the day I felt nasty. Sitting in homeroom, I realized, that in my rush, I forgot to put on underwear. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if it wasn't for 2nd period gym class. My mom had given me a hand me down gym uniform both my brothers had worn when they were in middle school. The shorts had shrunk so much it looked like I was in Napolean Dynamite's gym class. There was no way I was going to wear these short shorts with no underwear underneath, especially during the co-ed stretching session in the first 15 minutes of class. Everyone would see my balls. I didn't want everyone to see my balls. The last thing I wanted was for some girl to see my prepubescent balls. What was I to do? For some reason we were graded on remembering to wear our gym uniforms, 1 point off if you forgot your shirt and 1 point for no shorts. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to bring my uniform one too many times and had one more chance to pass gym for the semester. I was fucked and started to panic. I walked up to my homeroom teacher and private math tutor (she came to my house twice a week) and started crying.
"is everything alright" she asks
"Not really"
"Whats wrong"
"I'm not wearing any underwear" I said balling my eyes out.

What could she have been thinking at that moment? Why the hell is this kid telling me that he isnt wearing any underwear? Is he hitting on me? He cant be, why would he be crying? she took me out to the hallway and I explained my gym situation. She must have been struggling hard to hold her laugh in. I would be. Long story short, my mom came to school and brought a pair of underwear.

What the fuck was I thinking?

FLUX CAPASTER

THIS BLOG READS LIKE A POORLY WRITTEN BUT FUNNY BOOK. SO IF YOU DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT THEN GO BACK TO THE FIRST BLOG AND READ UNTIL THE PRESENT DAY.


MORTGAGE COMPANY CALLED TODAY, ROOMMATE FUCKED UP MY CREDIT. THEY DIDNT RECEIVE A PAYMENT.

STOLEN TRASH CANS

SO I GUESS PEOPLE ARE SO SICK OF MY ROOMMATE LEAVING THE TRASH CANS ON THE STREET ALL WEEK THAT THEY FINALLY DECIDED TO STEAL THEM. NO MORE TRASH CANS. I GUESS THIS IS GOING TO LEAD TO SOMETHING LIKE THE MAGGOT STORY IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

RTARD PLUMBER

I got home from the shore again about two hours ago. I parked my car, took my bags out and then said a little prayer to god. "Please god, please let everything in the house be normal and please tell me that my roommate took out the trash." I entered the house and dropped my bags off in my room. My roommate wasn't home. The trash was not taken out but it wasn't a big deal, there was only one bag to take.

If you remember from a few blog entries ago, I explained how my roommate clogged the sink by grinding a full drinking glass in the garbage disposal. Well, it took him forever to call the plumber and when he finally called he found out that it was more expensive to do a weekend emergency call, so he decided to wait until this coming Monday. Anyway, the sink was filled with gross, few day old sink water with shit floating in it. Tomato sauce, pasta, lettuce, etc...

I walked into the kitchen to get some water from the fridge and felt my feet sink into water. I looked down and just saw a wet kitchen mat. I then turned my attention to the dishwasher and noticed that there was nasty crust all over the outside of it.

Long story short, when my roommate got home, I asked him why there was crust all over the dishwasher and water on the floor. His Reply: Oh, well you know how there was that nasty water filled in the sink? Well, I moved it all to the dishwasher."

WHAT?????!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHO DOES THAT?

You can imagine what happened after that. I closed my door and went to bed. After that, he came in and showed me a diagram of why it wasn't a big deal. It was some weird drawing of pipes and a sink. Now he's an Rtarded plumber.

BACK FROM WORK

Just got back from work a little later than usual and heard a loud, booming sound coming from up stairs. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

THE ROOMMATE IS BACK FROM VACATION WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND.

It was so nice for a few days even though the air broke and the alarm kept sounding, so nice, that I wrote a poem about it.

Twas so nice the past few days alone
alone in this home
Stank be gone
for how I long
to be alone
for one more day
without Sonic Boom Man on da phone

BROKEN WASHER, BROKEN AIR, BROKEN DREAMS

SHIT BE BROKE ALL UP IN DA CRIB.

Ever since we moved in, I've been telling The Roommate that he cant load all of his clothes into the washer and dryer at once. Not only is it unsanitary but the machines will overload and break. "When they break you pay for them to be fixed" was my line for the past few years. So during that time, of course, he didn't listen and they have broken three different times......AHH.... Project X.

So I've been saying the same thing about cranking the air conditioning down to 60 degrees. Not only is that too cold but when it breaks you are going to pay to fix it.

Last night, after a long long day, I was beat and all I wanted was to fall asleep at a normal time. Before bed, I called the 1800 number on the alarm keypad to see if they could help me fix the beeping problem. They instructed me to find the main box in my basement. Only there could I deactivate the system. The problem: The last owners of this house never gave me the key to get into this box. Great, now I don't have the key or the alarm code and the alarm company wont give it to me. The customer service guy advised that there was one more option. Follow the wires through my house and find the main outlet where the system is plugged into and pull the plug. Then the system would be working on back up battery power for a good 24 hours and would still beep until it ran out of batteries or a service representative could come to the property. I got pissed and hung up. After about a half hour of searching, I finally found the plug and outlet in my roommates closet (figures) and pulled it. I hope it was the annoying plug.

So I closed my eyes pissed, knowing that I had another night of being woken up to beeping at 1 AM and 5AM ahead of me. To make matters worse, I was really hot and dont like being hot when I sleep so I got up and turned the thermostadt lower and went back to bed. I realized minutes later that the air didnt come on. I got up again and turned it even lower and again, the air didn't start. SHIT, its broken! Beeping and no air conditioning, SHIT..... What a night. I hardly slept.

My roommate is coming back today and he is going to have a nice $150 bill waiting for him. I should charge him more just to pay for the shrink that I'll have to see if I keep living here.

THAT DAMN ALARM

I don't know how to shut this damn alarm that he F'd with off. It goes off at 1 AM. 5 AM, 10 AM, 1:30 PM (why the 30 I don't know) and 4 PM.

I cant shut it off. I dont know where the main switch is. I tried using the circuit breaker and that doesn't work. Shit. I can't go through another night with that damn beeping.

Water The Garden

My roommate and I were watching TV at around 9 PM a few months ago and were drinking some scotch. He got up and goes out to the patio/garden. I was just wondering why he went out there in the middle of the show. Then I started hearing water hitting plants. I yelled to him "dude, what are you doing"

He responded "I'm taking a fucking piss"

ME: "Why didn't you use the bathroom. Who pisses on their own patio?"

HIM: "It was closer and its liberating"

WHAT THE F

UnderWhere?

I went to the mall last week and picked up a three pack of Boss boxer briefs that were on sale at Nordstroms. Somehow I am already missing two of those three. It must have been the great laundry commingle. Doesnt he think its gross to wear somebody elses underwear? Im still not sure if he really wears them or if they just end up in those smelly piles.

ahhh Peace

I'm just starting to feel the effects of my roommate being gone and its damn relaxing.

I moved his car out of the driveway last night and drove it right into the center of the park across the street. He won't be able to find it when he gets back because its going to be towed.

No, im joking but I was thinking about driving it down to like Texas or maybe even Mexico just to leave it there. That way it will be really difficult for him to find.

fucker.

TEXT

MY ROOMMATE SENT ME A TEXT ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.

"Dog, need a big favor. ....I could not find a spot last night. I am parked illegally on Blank Street behind our house....I left my car keys under the bed in my room. Can you repark my car? I will get mad tickets and towed otherwise....Please its important!"


Idiot. He doesnt even know that he left his car in the driveway blocking our neighbor Syvie in. HAHAHA. He doesnt even know where he parked his car. UNBELIEVABLE!!!!

VACATION

MY ROOMMATE JUST LEFT FOR A FEW DAYS WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. THEY LEFT FOR THE AIRPORT BY CAB AT 5 AM THIS MORNING. AT 8:30 AM I WALKED OUT TO MY CAR AND REALIZED THAT HE WENT ON VACATION WITHOUT MOVING HIS CAR FROM THE DRIVEWAY. SYLVIE, MY ELDER NEIGHBOR IS GOING TO FREAK. HE BLOCKED HER CAR IN THE DRIVEWAY AGAIN AND WENT ON VACATION. WHAT AN IDIOT.

I cant believe this

I cant believe that not a day goes by without an "event". Sometimes it's surreal that its actually me that got stuck in a living situation like this. I must have walked under a ladder or broke a mirror or something.

Last night I was sitting watching tv and my roommate yells from the kitchen, "Yo, somethings wrong with the garbage disposal, isnt there a reset button somewhere?"

I reply yes and tell him where it is. That was the end of that.

Tonight, I finish dinner and go to the sink to pour out the leftover rice from my Vietnamese food. I go to start the garbage disposal and the power goes out. I was like, "What the Fuck!" So I take some action and stick my hand into the pit of slime and feel something slice my finger. "Fuck!, another fucking glass down the tubes!!!" I go downstairs to the basement to flip the breaker with my finger bleeding and go back up to the kitchen. I put my hand back in the slop water pit, lightly this time, and pull out the bottom of a glass that I have never seen before, so it had to be his fault.

Its un fucking believable.

WHY CANT I GET THIS PLACE RENTED ALREADY. I"M TOO OLD FOR A ROOMMATE.

THE GREAT LAUNDRY COMMINGLE

Not only have our glasses slowly disappeared over time but so has my underwear. I used to have so many pairs and now I'm down to about 6. I find myself in a constant laundry cycle so I don't run out. I mean, I know I should go out and buy some more but I just haven't had time.

I finally noticed how it happens today. My roommate has large piles of stanky clothes in the basement that have been in line for a good washing for quite sometime. Finally, two days ago he decided to start loading some of these piles. Today, on my way out of the house, I went searching for a pair of clean socks in my clean clothes pile sitting on a shelf in the basement but the pile was gone. I checked the washer and noticed my roommate commingled my clean clothes with his dirty clothes. No wonder my underwear goes missing. He commingles. He's a commingler. Maybe this is just a brilliant way of slowly acquiring a wardrobe or maybe he just doesn't think about what he is doing.

NORTH POLE

Just received a $455 dollar energy bill. Its all because my roommate thinks he's Santa living in the North Pole. Its freaking freezing in here.

He also doesn't grasp the technicalities of a thermostat. He knows I get pissed about the electric bills so if he leaves the house he will turn the air up to 85 degrees? I mean, I guess this is his way of being a good roommate but it doesnt make sense. Doesn't he realize that the air will not cool to 85 degrees and that its more expensive to cool the house back down to a normal temperature? Why cant he put it on like 75 or lower.

HYDROPONIC FARMER

I have always been proud of the fact that I had kept all of my drinking glasses since college. They have traveled with me from apartment to apartment and have suprisingly stayed intact, until The Roommate. Over the past few years I have seen him and not seen him break so many drinking glasses its unreal. I don't know how he does it. We are down to about 3 glasses all of which end up filled with old water on his window sill. I think He is cultivating something. Some new type of plant.

NAIL CLIPPER

WHERE ART THOU NAIL CLIPPERS? FOR I HAVE MISSED THEE. I HAVE TAKEN SUCH GOOD CARE OF THEE, SO WHY MUST YOU GO MISSING EVERY MONTH NEVER TO RETURN?

WHERE ART THOU OFF TO?

HAHA F'ing Classic. A MUST READ

Ok. So about two hours ago I posted about coming home from the weekend at the beach. Please read that post before this one.

So my roommate got home holding a box of trash bags in his hand like he did me a big fucking favor or something, like he just took credit for saving the world with a vaccine to some disease the somebody else came up with, like I haven't been text messaging him for days about trash bags. Keep in mind that the light bulbs and dryer sheets didn't come with the gift.

Anyway, so he starts taking the trash out. Thank god! I was happy that I didnt have to do it because flight of the concords was coming on and I didn't feel like dealing with house shit. After the first hilarious song about French baguettes ends, I hear my roommate yelling outside. I didnt know why he was yelling. He comes running inside and into the basement. He comes back up with a jug of Clorox Bleach and yells "There's fucking maggots everywhere"
Confused and annoyed, I said "What?"
"Maggots, everywhere" As he ran out the front door.

So I jumped up and ran outside to see what was going on? As it started to rain, I noticed that there were seriously fucking maggots everywhere. They were all over the recently redone brick patio. White wormy fucks all over. Seriously, I have never seen so many maggots in my life. They must have been growing in the trash bag and the weight of them broke through the bottom all over my roommates feet. He started pouring bleach all over the patio and I'm freaking out because I thought he was going to bleach the bricks a new color.

He started hosing down the entire patio while I took out the rest of the trash. So again, I had to take the trash out on Good Roommate Weekend. Fucker. The one good thing is that the keg from the super bowl is finally out by the street with the trash. Obviously going to stay there for a while but its finally made its slug like journey out of the premises.

I am living in a hilarious hell. This was a horrible but fucking hilarious experience. HAHAHAHAHA. I live with the worlds smartest idiot.

JUST GOT HOME

Came home from another weekend at the beach to a house filled with unfulfilled roommate promises. This weekend was "good roommate weekend." He was supposed buy trash bags for the piles of trash amassing in the kitchen, light bulbs for the lack of light in the dark house, take the Super Bowl keg back to the distributor, and help take the trash out. He isnt here and nothing has been accomplished. He isnt answering his phone or text messages. All I wanted to do was come home to a house that had light and didnt smell of trash. Bastard. I'm definitely moving out soon.

PROJECT X

My roommate has used liquid hand soap in the Dishwasher, count it, not one, not two, but three different times and didn't learn his lesson after the first kitchen foam party. He has flooded the kitchen with soap suds three different times and didn't learn from the past two mistakes.

He is like the stupid monkey's in Project X with Matthew Broderik.

FLIGHT OF THE CONCORD

MY ROOMMATE SLEPT AT HIS PARENTS HOUSE LAST NIGHT. I WAS HOPING TO SLEEP UNTIL 8:30 AM AND WAS EXCITED ABOUT THAT. THEN 5:45 AM CAME AROUND AND THE DAMN ALARM STARTS SOUNDING AGAIN. WHAT THE HELL DID HE DO TO IT. DID HE SET IT TO ANNOYING MODE?

WHY CANT MY ROOMMATE AND I GET ALONG LIKE THE GUYS FROM FLIGHT OF THE CONCORD AND SING REALLY COOL SONGS TOGETHER TO SOLVE ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS? IF WE HAD A SONG IT WOULD GO LIKE THIS. THINK OF IT AS A FUNKY, R and B LIKE RAPPING DIDDY.

"WELL HE FOUND THE SECRET CODE,OOOOH,
TO DRIVE YOUR ROOMMATE OF HIS ROCKER MODE.OHHHHH
DO THEY HAVE EVEN HAVE THAT MODE? OOOOHHH,
SHIT, I DONT EVEN HAVE THE CODE, OOOHHH,
TO TURN OFF THE SPECIAL ANNOYING MODE
THE ONE THAT MAKES YOUR ROOMMATES BRAIN EXPLODE"

THATS ALL I've got right now.

AMBIEN PART 3

I wake up this morning to a kitchen that looked like the Swedish Chef had paid a little visit. The trash was knocked over, there was water on the counter tops, a knife with grape jelly on it as well as all over the counter tops, some weird smell, and pizza crusts lying on the floor. I have two suspects: A. it could be The Swedish Chef or B. My Roommate during an Ambien induced sleep walking meal. There are a few hilarious things about this situation. One, is that the Swedish Chef is awesome. Two. Where the hell did my roommate find grape jelly and what did he put it on, we have no bread. Could it have been the left over gourmet pizza?

TEXT MESSAGE

Time: 12:07

Place: My Bed

Situation: Just recieved a text message from my roommate in his bedroom.

Text: If u were marooned on a desert island and there were only pigs, u would fuck the pigs like a sick beastiality loving fiend u would joyfully fuck those pigs for the rest of your sick life. Pig Fucker. O Doyle Rules!

Huh?

FOOD SHOPPING

Food Shopping. HE NEVER DOES IT. I DO (occasionally). I go to the Whole Foods occasionally to get some healthy, good and expensive groceries. I tell him not to eat it and if he does to replace it. Next thing I know the food is pretty much gone and it never gets replaced.

So one day, I got home and the house was clean and stocked with food. I couldn't believe it. He actually made it look a bit clean and bought food, unreal. I told him that I was appreciative that he finally went food shopping and decided to do a good thing for the house of which he is a part owner. He just said no problem. It was his pleasure.

The next day I get home and he is kissing his girlfriend on the couch. I couldn't believe it. No wonder he went food shopping and cleaned. It was all for the TANG NAY NAY.

Dick.

What makes him really annoying: Its ok to share some of the food that I go out of my way to buy but when there's only enough milk and cereal for one bowl, you don't finish the fucking shit off, damn it. I'm hungry in the morning. You save it for the person who bought it.

So one day he went out and bought Fig Newmans, they are like a better version of Fig Newtons. I destroyed those fuckers in like 20 minutes. I couldn't eat them all so I threw some in the garbage disposal.

THE BLOCKED DRIVEWAY AND SYLVIE

Ok, so my neighbor is a really old, nice woman. I really like her. We share a drive way that leads to two parking spots. Mine and hers. Now if you remember correctly, I explained in one of my first posts that I get to park there and my roommate got the larger bedroom so he has to park on the street. Now, Sylvie often has to leave her house to go to the market, or convenient store or god forbid to get medical attention, she is on an oxygen tank. For the first year of living here if my roommate couldn't find a spot he would park illegally on the street and rack up the parking tickets. Literally one a day. 35 dollars times 365. Figure it out. I guess he finally got sick of receiving these daily treats so he developed an annoying habit of parking in the driveway, blocking both me and my sweet old neighbor in our spots. One time she got really pissed and wrote an angry letter or at least as angry of a letter as an old sweet woman could write and left it on our front door.
" Dear Fellows, Please try not to block my car in for I needed to pick up my medicine at the pharmacy and couldn't. Please be kind enough in the future to not block my car and call me if you really need to."
I felt horrible. He still parks there.

ALARM ALARM / The noise part tres

So two days ago I was leaving my house to go to work and I saw news vans in my neighborhood. I asked the news van driver what happened. He told me that a womans house around the corner got broken into at 2 AM and she was attacked. It def freaked me out a a bit and I immediately thought about protecting my house by possibly setting up the inactive alarm system. When my roommate got home we discussed what had happened and he completely agreed with my alarm recommendation. This morning I woke up to a sounding alarm. At first I thought that I was being attacked by terrorists and had to get to the bunker but that was just a dream. I opened my eyes, jumped up and ran downstairs freaked out and confused because i didnt know what was going on and have never heard an alarm in this house. I noticed that the flap to the alarm keypad which I have never touched, was open. I realized that my roommate must have wanted to see if it worked or something. Anyway, another morning getting woken up to an annoying noise.

Ambien trip out

I am very close to sleep right now. I am stretching across the vast crevasse between conscience and unconsciousness. My body is warm and my mind is cloudy, its a very difficult and very slow process typing these words as if molasses has just attacked my keyboard. My brain feels as equivalent to what a computer screen d0es after it has contracted a virus and try to switch to another webpage.

So I thought it would be funny to write while on Ambien when I am crossing the abyss between life and sleep. Have you ever thought to yourself, why people so self absorbed and self stupid and anxious and just lost in some kind of television series. Why is there so much drama in this world? Are we a reality show for the good people on Neptune? That would kill American Idols ratings. I mean think about it. What is everyone so stressed out about and always giving themselves heart attacks for? Money? Greed? (the room just turned sideways, I swear) I don't always take ambien, just when my roommate gives me some. I was down in Costa Rica and everyone down there, although pretty poor, were pretty happy with their lives in the sunshine. Meanwhile, I enjoyed reading the only newspaper printed in English called the Freakin Rican. I made that up but it was a very well written newspaper with great articles. One was about how the United States wanted to open up free trade with Costa Rica and the Costa Ricans weren't having this. It would raise the price of local goods and put Costa Ricans out of business due to the cheap US imports. Its unreal how we Americans, live underneath a large Amex card government designed to lend money to the poorest of nations in order to help them fix the governments and spark trade but our government knows that this doesn't work. The money we lend goes to the richest people in these third world countries or gets stolen, but we don't care. Its our way of looking like we are helping when really all we are doing is getting rich of the high interest payments we charge these third world countries and in return keeping them down.

The moral of this wacky run-on stream of conscience is that we are one big heart attack, panic attack waiting to happen in our country and we all need to lighten up. Take a step back, breath and think about the most important thing in life. Bashing my roommate.

Shit Im tired. I will continue this never.


Slip sliding away...........................

A MOMENT OF HARMONY/ Ambien 1

My roommate is actually a good friend of mine and I appreciate him as a person (sometimes). I'm not just writing this just to lessen his anger on the day he finally finds out about this blog (well maybe a little) but because he really has been a good friend and has listened and helped me out with alot of my superficial worries and problems. Its just that he is really an annoying roommate and does alot of weird things and it has to stop before I yard-a-pult him into a backyard of another house where he hopefully finds a door that leads him to another galaxy.

ok, now im just being crazy, but seriously they do exist. Those doors. It's kind of like in Super Mario Bros. Its like a warp world.

Ok, bedtime.

TWO NIGHT IN A ROW

6PM: Roommate gets home from work and goes right to his room . I'm sitting on couch relaxing after work.

6:15PM: Roommate comes downstairs and asks if I want to eat or get pizza or something. I say yes but I was leaving for the gym so if he decides to get food, order me something and I will him when I got home and i'll heat up the food.

8:30PM: Call my roommate on the way back from gym to ask if he picked up any pizza. He said he did. I get excited. I ask if he got me anything. He said, there were two slices left in the fridge for you. He said he left me a note on my glass bathroom cabinet explaining that there were two slices for me. I get pissed. Keep in mind that the pizza place we typically get food from is gourmet, so they are very tiny slices. Two pieces equal one half slice regular pizza. So you can see that I was quite upset. I ask why he didn't get anything for me when he knew that I asked. His Excuse: I didn't know where you were. My response: So you didnt get me anything? His Response: I did but didnt know where you were. My response: You didnt know where I was right after you left and after I asked you to get me something for when I got back? Do you have some sort of Flux Capaseter problem or some kind of camera in the house connected to your watch? Well, if you got me something, then why would you eat it, you must be lying. His Response: I didn't think you wanted it anymore because you were gone so long. My response: Yeah, but if you got me something, then there would be alot more left over then two slices unless you ate two large gourmet pies yourself.

Right now its 11:00 PM. I'm freaking starving and just saw a mouse. I'm pissed. I think I am going to have to eat an ice cream sandwich. I really need a girlfriend. Not that a girls job is to make me food and treat me like an incompetent King but that would be nice.

Wet Socks

I really dont understand how somebody can make the bathroom so wet. I don't think I could make it that wet if I tried. Its like he has developed some new molecular formula for super water and it penetrates everything in the bathroom and my socks.

Do you know how annoying it is, when you are getting dressed for work in the morning, you are in a pretty good mood and then the bottom of your socks get wet? If you dont know I'll tell you. It sucks, and its annoying.

What the F?

HAIR DRYER

Woke up to a hairdryer. Who uses a hairdryer? I went to the bathroom and he was drying his chest hair.

FOOD DELIVERY

I just asked my roommate about a half hour ago if he wanted to order food or go food shopping which never happens. He said, Yeah, but lets go food shopping another day. 30 minutes later my roommate runs downstairs with jeans and no tshirt and grabs his keys by the front door.

"Yo, Where you going?"

"To pick up food"

"With no shirt on?"

"No, its here at the front door"

"Dude! Didnt I just ask you if you wanted to order food? What are you some kind of R tard? You're an asshole"

Just another day.

PILE OF NAILS

ATLEAST ONCE EVERY TWO WEEKS I WALK INTO THE BATHROOM TO PISS AND I STEP ON A PILE OF TOENAILS LEFT AT THE BASE OF THE TOILET. THIS MUST BE HIS NAIL CUTTING LOCATION OF CHOICE. WHAT THE F?

The Great Flood

Time: Morning

Location: Kitchen

Reason: Thirst

My Actions:
1. Open refrigerator

2. Soaked by refrigerator flood

3. Yell, "you fucking idiot!"

Moral: Good Roommates don't forget to push in the nozzle after receiving water from the extra large Poland Spring water container.

Sex Tape.

It was Sunday at around 10:30 AM. I'd just returned home early from the Jersey shore because I had to work. The house was a freaking mess and there were sleeping bags on the couch. Then I remembered my roommate mentioning something about house guests a few weeks before. When I got to my bedroom , I noticed that there were other peoples folded clothes at the base of my perfectly made bed. I never make my bed! So I thought to myself, OK, his friend and friends girlfriend must have slept in my bed. No big deal, but it was obvious by the folded clothes that they were still in town and just temporarily out of the house, maybe at breakfast or something. They must mean that they made my bed without washing the sheets! That's fucked up. There is no way in hell that they woke up early enough, after a night of drinking, to do a load of laundry. Even worse, my camcorder, which I haven't touched for ages, was out of its case. Great! Not only did a couple who I don't know sleep in my bed but they made a sex tape and didn't wash my sheets. On top of all that, there was this pink silly puddy type crap stuck all over my carpets. I was freaking out at this point. Everything was starting to really piss me off. This was the straw that broke the roommates back. I heard voices coming up the steps to the front of the house so I started back downstairs to the front door. I overheard a conversation between my roommate and his friend that went like this:
Roommates friend-"You guys really need to take your trash out, that's gross"
Roommate- " Yeah, tell me about it. That's my roommates responsibility"

I couldn't believe my ears. He blamed it on me? He obviously didn't know I was home and would be waiting for him right behind the front door.

From there was just one big freak out session. I basically embarrassed him in front of his friends and girlfriend and made myself look like a maniac.

Later that night, I confronted him about the situation. He said that nobody slept in my bed. So now he lies.

I never found the sex tape.

Super Bowl Lingers

Why is that Keg from the Super Bowl still in our house?

SONIC BOOM MAN AKA THAT SOUND PART DOS

If my roommate was a super hero his name would be Sonic Boom Man. Sonic boom mans voice can penetrate even the thickest of walls and kill a man standing a mile a way. How did sonic boom man develop such a deep and destructive voice? The reason is two fold. One: Sonic Boom Man is a bit hard of hearing so he doesnt realize when he is using his full sonic ability. Two: Sonic Boom Man was born with a concave chest from which all sound eminates and booms.

I now sleep with Ear Plugs. Its no fun hearing Sonic Boom Man whispering phone pleasures to his long distance girl friend. Whats the point of using a phone. Just talk and she will hear you. She's only two states away.

The Noise Part Uno

It happened again this morning. The noise. The one that wakes me up too early every morning. The same noise that stopped me from setting my alarm clock 2 yrs ago. The pounding sound of medicine cabinet doors and drawers in the bathroom. Its almost as if he is doing it on purpose. I have not heard so many drawers open and close so rapidly in my life. Not even in my mom or ex-girlfriends bathrooms.

Go easy on the cabinets dude! They are connected to my bedroom wall. Shit!

WHAT THE?

1. I wake up in the middle of the night thirsty as a mo fo after getting really drunk earlier in the evening. I got up, walked downstairs to the kitchen to get a drink. On the way to the kitchen I thought about how good the water would taste and how smart I was for purchasing this jug of WAWA water knowing this drunken moment would come. (WaWa is a convenient store in Philadelphia area.) . I opened the refrigerator and there it was, that sweet sweet jug of WaWa water but wait, jug was pretty much empty. I would have been less annoyed if it was completely empty and thrown out then be left in the fridge with enough water for no more then a quarter cup. Fuck! Who does that? How the hell did he go through that water so quickly? I looked up to the next shelf and sitting there, illuminated by the flickeing refrigerator light was his retainer. I almost freaked out. No water and my roommates retainer. Crazy! What 26 year old man wears retainers anyway? I didn't know what to do. I wanted to wake him up and be like "Listen you sick fuck, get your act together and respect your roommate." but we had just moved in and I didn't want to seem like the crazy, tight ass roommate. I took some nasty tap water and went back to bed.

CALL THE CDC

I would consider myself to be a somewhat easy going person. Over the past few years, out of pure frusteration and exhaustion, I have let go of trying to keep the house in the condition that I would like if I lived alone. This is an important tid-bit for people wondering if maybe I am to blame for some of the issues. Also, college roommates will confirm that he was the same nasty person back then.
When we moved in we had a decision to make. One of us would get the back parking spot and the other would get the big room with the larger closet and weird 1980's remote control TV stand that comes down from the ceiling. It was an easy decision for me. I needed parking so he took the larger room. I now enter through the back of the house 99 percent of the time because of this decision. Its rare that I walk through the front door due to the over grown front patio rain forest. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be attacked by those large rats from the Princess Bride and I'm no Dread Pirate. I fucking hate rats. Trash day is on Monday and sometimes we end up going three weeks without taking it out to the street. Now, I'll take partial responsibility for the trash problem and I'll admit my excuse is due to pure forgetfulness, however, don't you think that the person who comes through the front door, day in and day out would remind himself or his roommate that it's trash night? I think so. Last summer we developed a major mosquito problem due to the trash and standing water inside the cans. One night I was on my cell phone outside in the jungle breaking up with a girlfriend. When I came inside, I realized that the mosquito's had destroyed my legs. The next day I felt sick and I decided that I was going to call the CDC on his ass. West Nile. Ever hear of it ROOMMATE! We also had a very large furry creature living on our premises. I hope it attacks him.

Somtimes

Personality update:

ME: pretty clean and organized, don't mind a mess as long as its cleaned within the week. Somewhat of a hypochondriac when it comes to food preperation. Raw meat on counter tops etc..

Roommate: Really dirty. Likes to live in filth. Enjoys bad smells of dirty clothes sitting for weeks and same with the roaches who live in them.

Put on some pants

I just thought of another good roommate story. For some reason he thinks its ok to walk around the house in tight boxer briefs like he is all alone or with his girlfriend or something. So one day, the door bell rings. It was a food delivery guy. He runs down the steps and goes outside to greet the chinese food delivery guy in his tight boxer briefs. I was looking out the window and realized that he scarred the shit out of the guy. He probably thought this crazy white boy was going to rape him or something WHO DOES THIS??

Put on some damn pants!

Holy Shit, My Roommate is Wacky

Hi Everyone,

This is my first blog posting devoted to everyone who is living with or has lived with a "roommate from hell". I truly believe, that my roommate, could be as close to a Ten on the bad roommate scale as possible and I challenge anyone who reads my blog to challenge me with their bad roommate stories.

I'm going to start by giving a background to my story:

About 4 years ago in the middle of the real estate boom , I decided that buying a property would be a great investment. I wanted a townhouse but all of them were a bit over my price range. After failing to get financing from my parents I decided that maybe a smaller condo may be my best option. That week I received a phone call from an old friend who I'd lost touch with during the college years. He was moving back home to go to med school and he was looking for a place to live or a roommate. I sell real estate for a living so he called me to get my advice. He explained how he would love to buy something but after looking online everything that he was interested in was too expensive. A week before I looked at a property that had just hit the market; it was exactly what I wanted. Living in a small studio apartment in the heart of town for a year was starting to annoy me so I thought that maybe it would be nice have a roommate again. Plus, I could split the property with a friend to afford a larger place. After describing the property to him he became interested in the idea and said that we should go look at it. The next day my friend who I hadn't seen in 4 years and I went to look at the townhouse. He flipped over it. While we were in the front private patio he started jumping around like a ballerina and in the most feminine voice said "Oh, wouldn't it be fabulous if we lived together." I instantly remembered how crazy and goofy he was. Long story short: We purchased the place, had a lawyer draw up a partnership agreement and we settled on the house.

I have remembered most of the insane, selfish, dirty/unsanitary and clumsy instances which I will lay out for you in the weeks to come. Don't get me wrong, I like him as a friend but as a roommate, well, you'll see.

Each day, I'm going to update my blog with the wacky and weird things that happen here in this house/hell that Im living in because oh yes, something happens everyday. Some won't seem as funny or as exciting as others but when they occur daily they will start to annoy you and make you laugh just as they do to me.

I'll start you off with one past event now.


1. I get home from a weekend vacation in Vegas and was very worn out. I walk up stairs to my bedroom and see that the bathroom door is wide open. As my eyes start moving up from the floor I first see hair everywhere, then feet, legs, AH!! NAKED ROOMMATE SHAVING HIS BODY ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR. I couldn't believe this was happening. I freaked out and said that he was the strangest person I had ever met. He felt bad and said that he would clean all the hair up. So that next morning I go down to the basement to do some laundry. While I was picking clothes off the floor to drop into the washer I noticed that there was a small amount of pubic type hair on one of my towels. I shivered and wiped it off and continued to load the washer until all of a sudden the last towel unraveled and pubic hair flew everywhere. MOTHER FUCKER. He wrapped all the hair in a towel and put it in the dirty clothes by the washer. I almost lost it and later had a sit down talk with him about being a good roommate.

Stories like this will be posted daily. Enjoy and feel free to write me with words of comfort, competing stories or any type of response that you feel applies

Thanks,


Bad Roomie Club