Wednesday, August 27, 2008

OH MAN, THIS DIDNT REALLY HAPPEN, DID IT?

Keep in mind that its been about a week since we settled on the house. Yesterday I received a phone call from the new owners and it went down like this.

My cell Phone Rings

"Hello"

"Hi is this blank (sorry I dont reveal my name)"

"yes this is blank"

"Hi blank its Blank the person who bought your house"

"Yes, hi Blank, hows everything going" (I asked this sensing that something was wrong)

"well, (here we go) is your car parked in the parking spot behind the house"

(I knew immediately what was going on)

"No, why, is there a car in the spot?"

"Yes......It's an SUV."

"Oh man, what kind of a car is it? is it a Jeep" She said Jeep as I was saying it.

"Yeah, a Jeep." She said

"UNBELIEVABLE (I started laughing) I'm so sorry, I have no idea why my roommates car would be in the driveway, its not our house anymore. Listen, Blank, my roommate is a bit scatter brained and probably doesn't even know where his car is right now and probably hasnt even thought about it in a week. "

"Really"

"Yeah, imagine how I feel, i lived with him for a few years. "

"I'm sorry"

"Yeah well listen, I am going to call him immediately and have somebody move it ASAP. I will call you back soon, when are you moving in"

"Tomorrow, so if somebody could get it out of there that would be great. If its not gone by tonight then we are going to tow it."

"Yeah do that, if they dont move it, then maybe he will learn."


I called my roommate and he didnt answer, so then I sent him two text messages, called his dad and left a message and called his brother who answered but didnt have a backup key. I also called his fiance who didnt answer.

Later in the day the new owner called back again to see if I had resolved the issue. I told her that I was still working on it and that I could assure her that somebody will move it by the next day.

After that phone call, my roommate texted me "Oh Shit, my car is still there? Nobody moved it? it was supposed to be moved"

I wrote back "Well, if you dont move it then it will be towed."

He called me back and said, dude, can you delay her from towing it until tomorrow? I'm in NYC and my dad is at the beach and my bro doesnt have a key."

I said, "NO f'ng way, you call her, im done with this place. How the hell do you not know where your car is? its crazy. Call her. "

The END

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Move Out

As expected, "the roommate" put me through misery until the very last possible minute of owning this house. Here is a recap of the last few days, starting with the settlement on Friday.

Friday comes around and I'm in heaven and ecstatic that we are finally settling on the house, getting our money out and I was celebrating the fact that I will never have a bad roommate again in my life. My roommate had been in another city for the past week or so for a med school rotation so he couldn't attend the settlement but his dad could so we had to prepare and fed ex him a power of attorney to give his dad permission to sign for him at Fridays settlement. Long story short; on the day of settlement, the title clerk noticed that the power of attorney was reversed so we couldn't get our money because of the hold up. We transferred title to the new owners which is good but now I had to wait until Monday to get the money. "Roommate would have to get a new power of attorney signed first and guess who would be the one to have to get this all orchestrated? Unreal. One would think that a med student would have read the documents they had sent him before signing and mailing. He signed above where it said his dads name, that should have been the first red flag alerting him to the fact that something on that original power of attorney was wrong. So I called my roommate over and over again the entire weekend while at the beach and he didn't answer or respond to my phone calls until Sunday when he finally didn't call but texted me back. "Hey, I'm sorry about power of attorney, I'll be back at the house on Sunday but I am headed right back to NYC and wont have anytime to get the new power of attorney signed till ateast Thursday."
No fucking way, I was thinking in my head. No way am I waiting that long to get the money from this bad roommate experience. I was to be paid for blogging out my life here for the past two years. I called him a few times after that and he finally answered. I tried not to freak out so I said, " dude, no fucking way, when you get back to the house on Sunday, do your best to find a notary who works on Sunday and get that thing signed, its sitting on the coffee table downstairs. This is really fucking unfair and you need to start thinking about other people in life, get that thing signed, I'll be back from the beach on Sunday. " Then hung up. Then I texted him that since he will be home Sunday, and since we will be moving for good mid week, that he should take out trash and clear out everything in the house that he doesn't need.

I get home from the beach on Sunday to a house still filled with all of his crap, the trash wasn't taken out, his stuff wasn't even packed up and he was gone. I couldn't believe it. The next day I woke up really early to start boxing and packing my stuff when his dad and his three nephews, two boys and a girl, ages ranging from 11 to 13, show up to help his dad pack all of his stuff for his movers on Wed. I was getting alot done on my side until his nephews showed up and asked me every 2 minutes if they could have something or if we were going to keep things. It was cute for the first hour but after that my patience was wearing thin. They kept finding this pepper spray that I keep just in case and were calling it pepper mint spray and wanted to use it in each others mouths like Bianca. sp? Then they were laying on my bed where all of my folded clothes were and talking about how my room is the hangout room. Fuck! Anyway, I left the house to eat lunch and to get away so I could regroup to come back and pack again which I did. So the next day, I wake up early again to finish my packing and to greet my movers who got there at 8 AM. My roommates stuff was still everywhere and we had trash and old furniture everywhere and I didnt know what to do. I called 1800-got junk who came over immediately, thank god, and took all the junk and old furniture before the movers started moving stuff out of the exits. This company I highly recommend. Anyway, my movers were good and finally got me moved out. At this point my stuff is out and I realize how much stuff my roommate still had sitting around for his movers on Wed. Last night late i was cleaning trash that his pre movers, his dad and nephews left and now im completely moved out. I just cant believe he wasnt around for his entire move out and how he didnt even think or care about it and let his dad and nephews move all his shit for him. That is weird and crazy and unfair to me and he should of had this stuff planned before his med school rotation. So yesterday, I get a text from him, "yo, do you mind getting the cable boxes that my dad left at the house and delivering them to my new address, he forgot them"
My answer, "yes I mind"
I got my money and got my life back.

The end. BUT GREAT SUCCESS, NO MORE ROOMMATE!

Monday, August 11, 2008

ENERGY BILL

ELECTRIC BILL LAST MONTH WHILE ROOMMATE WAS GONE FOR THE MONTH $200

ELECTRIC BILL FOR JULY WHEN ROOMMATE WAS MOSTLY HOME FOR THE MONTH $400.



WTF?

Should I have to pay this difference ? Please let me know people. Thanks


The Good Roommate

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Settlement and Broken Air

Tonight, while sitting with a friend and drinking scotches at a local steak house bar, I received a CC of an email that my roommate sent to his dad concerning the coming settlement of our house. Keep in mind that there are three names on the deed, me, him and his dad. The house settles on August 15th and we are allowed to live here until the 23rd. He has known these dates for close to 4 months since the house first went under contract. Anyway, the Carbon Copy email to his dad was alerting him that settlement was on the 23rd, which is wrong. Its on the 15th and you would think, that somebody who owns a house, who is settling and making money on that house, would know the date of their own settlement. Listen, he is a busy person; getting married soon, in med school, etc etc.....however, have some respect and know your own settlement date. My friend who was drinking with me tonight even knew that the email and date was wrong before I even said anything. I'm the one who is going to have to set up the closing, and order a power of attorney so his dad can sign for him, but how is this all going to happen if he cant even get the dates straight. Anyway, im drunk, but on top of that email I received tonight when I get home and the air conditioner is broken. Its fucking 80 degress in my room right now. Im piseed. I got home from being away for the weekend on Sunday, and when I got home the house was freezing and thermostat was on 60 degrees and Ive told him in the past that if you keep it that low then its going to break. Well, it broke again but he never realizes that he is doing anything wrong. its absolutely crazy.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Things that have gone wrong.

1. Dirty hospital scrubs are back. After having an in depth conversation about this and how much it bothers me, they are back. A huge pile of nasty, dirty hospital scrubs all over the floor. There is blood on them.

2. I went food shopping and I found the food that I bought hidden in his special kosher cabinet.

3. He was gone for almost a month last month and it was the first time that my electric bill was normal and remember that energy prices are really high now so if I think they are normal now, imagine how I high they usually are. I get back last night and the thermostat is set to 60 degrees. Come on dude. I have told you over and over again how thermostats work. idiot.

4. I cleaned the place about two weeks ago, he came back to the house and a few days later the place is slowly becoming a filthy nightmare. crumbs and debris stuck to the bottom of my socks when I walk around the house.

5. Inexplicable feeling of a film of filth on my skin after a few days of the roommate being back.

6. Fridge fills up with weeks worth of leftovers from takeout. Can never find the food I bought. He never throws anything out.

7. How do you soak the outside shower curtain?

8. what is that crap on the bathroom wall?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Vegas and Racoon strikes again

Nothing eventful with the roommate in Vegas. Even if anything happened, I wouldnt have remembered so I will give other stories.

I went food shopping after Vegas and spent about 200 dollars on food. I got home at around 11 PM and made a really late dinner. After I ate, I went upstairs, showered to rid myself of gym filth and then went to bed to watch some TV.

As expected, I hear the Racoon's bedroom door open and then footsteps down the stairs to the kitchen. I heard things being unwrapped and banging noises and microwave beeping and doors opening and closing. This went on for about 10 minutes and then footsteps back upstairs to the sound of a closing bedroom door.

I got up to go to the kitchen to see what damage had been incurred. I opened the cabinet where I put the snacks and realized that everything had been opened. I bought a ton of snacks and three packs of these crackers that I like but also three different flavors of them and they had ALL had been opened but in the most annoying way. Everything I bought would surely be moldy or stale within two days. He ripped these snacks open with wild abandon, unlike a normal human who knows food goes bad. It was like he was at a restaurant and couldnt decide on something so he ordered the sampler but ate a tiny piece of everything in the sampler and then moved on like a bear invading a cabin.

What the F dude?

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

White Trash Buddha

So early this morning at 7 AM, I will be on a flight to Vegas where I along with 12 other friends will be celebrating my roommates bachelor party. I promise that I'll bring back many postable stories about the trip and my roommate follies. For those of you who actually read this blog, I just want to let you know, that the house is definitely, finally sold and the roommate saga will officially end at the end of August. I should have at least 2 to 3 more entries by then .

One more thing. I was a little too excited to go to vegas earlier and I did something stupid. I decided to trim my chest hair but I guess I am no barber because I couldnt make it look even and as I trimmed it started looking worse and worse so there was only one last thing to do. Shave. I shaved my chest but then realized how stupid it looked with a bare chest and a hairy stomach so there was only one last thing to do, Shave my stomach. You have no idea. I look like white trash Buddha. There is no way my shirt is coming off at the pool. Fuck, im not young anymore. I guess you grow body hair for a reason. To cover the parts that got fat or ugly.

I look like white fucking trash Buddha. Its ok. I guess I'll just have to G.U.E at the pool or bars or Go Ugly Early.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

END OF AN ERA

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. THE HOUSE IS OFFICIALLY SOLD. WOW. ITS THE END OF AN ERA. I CANT BELIEVE THAT I'VE BEEN IN THIS HOUSE FOR ALMOST 5 YEARS. WHO SAYS THAT TIME DOESNT FLY WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE MAKES YOU CRAZY. ANYWAY, ITS TIME TO MOVE ON AND FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE WITHOUT A ROOMMATE. LET ME LIFE BEGIN.

I'm happy that my roommate and I are still friends and that we are going to have a great time in Vegas on his bachelor party but holy shit, I almost killed him multiple times. A MESSAGE TO THE ROOMMATE. I KNOW YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS BLOG AND I HOPE THAT YOU REALIZE THAT YOU ARE A SCUMBAG. hahahahaha.

peace out.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

GREAT MOVIE kind of

Two Offers

Ok. So I haven't posted for a while because my roommate was up in NYC with his fiance and I was busy trying to sell this house. I mean, I must have done a pretty good job because I have two offers coming in tonight and possibly a third. So this blog will definitely be coming to a real end soon. I want all my readers to know that I am pushing to turn this into a movie even if I have to make it myself.

Peace

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Movie Studios

Still have a for sale sign on my house but hopefull pretty soon this bad roommate blog will be over. In the meantime, I want all you movie studios out there to know that I can see that you have been viewing this blog on my site meter and am ready to star in and help write the film because only I have witnessed first hand how bad The Roommate is and have many stories that have yet to be posted because they are simply being withheld to be used as leverage.

Who will be the first to make me an offer to option my blog?


Only time will tell.

Bag of Potatoes

I just found a bag of Potatoes in a kitchen cabinet that is rarely used. Its really one of those junk type drawers that all kitchens seem to have. Anyway, I pulled the bag that was stuffed in there out and noticed that there was something unlike I have ever seen in my life growing on these red potatoes.

There were these thorny, white, thick horns popping out of all of the potatoes and they were so overgrown that they pierced the plastic bag and started growing around it. It was truly odd and only my roommate could somehow create a new potato virus/monster. The tentacles were stuck to the inside of the cabinet and looked like octopus tentacles. Its so weird and I think that a scientist should look at this because surely some new vaccine could be made from this new species or a new super virus is living in my house.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

HE SHIT ON THE PLUMBERS

This is unbelievable. This story should be a NYTimes Best Seller in itself.

So the house needed a brand new sewer line which is not a cheap undertaking. The sinks in the house were blocked up for almost a month and it smelled so bad that my friends came in the house, started cracking up and then ran out.

Finally, the plumbers came out on a nice sunny day and started digging two 11 foot holes, one in the front patio and one out at street level. Digging those holes was not an easy feat. It took them most of the day.

At around 1:30 I came home from an appointment, set my lap top up outside where they were doing work and started doing some work while watching the plumbers progress. I touched some type of sludge on the outside table so I went back inside to the kitchen to wash off what could have been sewer line slime off of my hand. Right as I turned the sink on and started washing one of the plumbers came in and said, "excuse me, can you please try to limit the water use while the work is being done." I said, sure, sorry, but was thinking, wow, water must really leave the house to the sewer quickly. I finished drying my hands and walked back out to the front door but heard water running upstairs. I sat and listened and it didnt shut off. It sounded as if a toilet was left running. I went upstairs to check and realized that my roommates bedroom door was closed. Its never closed unless he is home and he is rarely home during the day. I called out his name and he responded "Yeah?" So he was home.

"did you use the toilet?"

"Yeah?" he responded"

"first of all, you left the handle up and second, (I started yelling) "Do you not remember that you just paid close to 2 grand to have plumbers here all day?"

He responded, "Oh shit!, I took a crap"

I said " Are you a fucking retard? How the fuck are you so stupid"

Long story short, I knew the water from the kitchen sink couldnt have made it out of the house that quickly, and no wonder the plumber seemed so pissed. They were in the 11 foot deep holes at the same time my roommate shit. He shit on the plumbers. What an idiot.

Friday, April 4, 2008

What and idiot.

He cooked a full dinner and then went up to his room and never came back down to eat the frozen pizza and frozen dinner that he microwaved.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Hold on Hold on.....I'm back....How can I quit while I still live here

I have to write again right now.

This weekend was a dream. The house was semi clean, just the way I like it, I didnt hear my roommates voice through walls on the same phone conversations he always has, I didnt see anything crazy or weird go on in the house. Yes, he was out of town and it was great.

So sunday night I was hanging out with a girl, in my room, and around 10 PM, I heard the sonic boom voice coming in through the front door and knew my dream of a weekend had come to an end. The girl in my room (I never mention names on this site, sorry girl in my room) got a real kick out of what happened next. I went through every detail of what was going to happen next.
She was there and witnessed the banging of the bathroom drawers, the loud voice, the finger nail clipping that goes on forever and last but definitely not least the inevitable filing of the fingers on the metal mesh ikea trash can. She was cracking up that I told her what was going to happen all before it actually happened all without even seeing him.

Anyhow, I get up the next morning and after my dream of a weekend notice that he, again, left every light on in the house and somehow seemed to have jammed the metal stopper into the drain to the point where it wont come out. My sink is now clogged with the stopper. What the F.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

ITS A WRAP

THIS IS MY FINAL BLOG ENTRY. THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH THAT ONE PERSON CAN WRITE ABOUT ONE SUBJECT. I AM ACTIVELY SEARCHING FOR TENANTS FOR THE HOUSE AND I WILL NEVER LIVE WITH SOMEONE AGAIN UNLESS ITS A GIRLFRIEND OR WIFE. BUT WHO KNOWS WHEN THAT WILL BE. To EVERYONE WITH BAD ROOMMATEs. GET OUT IMMEDIATELY. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE STUCK IN SITUATIONS YOU DO NOT WISH TO BE STUCK IN.


A BOOK WILL FOLLOW. "The Bad Roommate" will also be a major motion picture someday. I have already been approached by a few production companies. Wish me luck. Thank You and Goodbye! MUCH LOVE TO ALL MY READERS.

Oh and the motion picture deal was a lie and same with being approached by producers.


The Good Roommate

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

WEIRDDDDDD-----BUT MY ROOMMATE IS IN THIS EPISODE

Jizz in his bed

I think I may

The Roommate Song

KEYS

Where the fuck are all the mother fucking keys to my mother fucking own house.

I swear, he has handed out keys to his dad, his mom, his brother and my backups just keep going missing.

His Fiance was in this weekend and took the last set of keys. Its un fucking real.

Geezus.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Trash Night

Got home from my cousins house at 11 PM Sunday night. All the lights are on in the house. Roommate and fiance are in his room talking and listening to music. I yell " Trash night!"

I brush my teeth, and yell "Trash night!"

Finish brushing and dont hear anymore talking or music.


Fuckers. Its all their trash and they ignored me. Plus, left all the lights on.


Crazy, no respect.

Friday, March 14, 2008

HAHAHAAHA OH MY G-D

ROOMMATE AND THE FIANCE HAVE BEEN FIGHTING FOR THE PAST 15 MINUTES ABOUT HER NOT WANTING HIM TO GET A HAIRCUT RIGHT NOW. HAHAHHA


LIKE A FULL ON FIGHT.


HER " I really don't think you should get a haircut"

HIM "I dont like the way its laying, I need a haircut and I wont have time to get a haircut in the next few weeks, im too busy"

HER "yeah buts its already so short"

HIM " Yeah but I need it reshaped, its to puffy over here"

HER "But its not going to help that, I like it now, Please dont cut it"

OH god,,,,,,,He just said,

HIM: "I cant go to work with long soap opera hair" HAHAHA

HER "Its not long soap opera hair"


PEOPLE YOU HAVE NO IDEA------THIS IS STILL GOING......THEY ARE LITERALLY STILL FIGHTING OVER HIM GETTING A HAIRCUT.....I DONT FEEL LIKE TYPING TODAY, BUT THIS IS ON THE TOP OF THE LIST OF WORLD MOST RETARDED THINGS.

HAHAHAHA ITS CRAZY.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Geezus.

I dont know how or why he does it but he cranks the heat in the morning for no apparent reason. It runs all day and we get high gas and electric bills. I just dont understand why he doesnt understand how a thermostat works. Dude, its not going to get any warmer sooner in the morning if you turn it to 75 versus a normal temperature. It will get to the temp you want then shut off. Why cant you realize that.

I guess he gets cold in the morning. Whats the space heater in your room for? Just use that and dont wake me up in a heat stroke.


Geezus

Sunday, March 9, 2008

New Carpets

In a desperate act to try and rent this house faster, we have installed brand new carpets in the finished basement and the bedrooms. The house looks great. In the meantime, I am giving the roommate about a week before he breaks all of the new house rules. Number 1, no eating in the rooms with new carpet and Number 2, no sneakers or shoes on the new carpets.

How long do you people think its going to take for my roommate to break these rules? I give him 3 days maximum. Probably 2.

We'll see. If something goes wrong I will be sure and take a picture of the infraction.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

HEY MICE, ITS GREAT IN HERE. COME ON IN



The exterminator has told us not to eat upstairs or bring food outside the kitchen because even a sesame seed on the ground will attract them from outside. This was the scene this morning after almost three years of telling my scum roommate to not eat in his room. Remember for people who don't read this blog daily, about 2 years ago there was a mouse in my bed with me. Ever since then I have developed a nervous tic. I see a shadow or hear something and I cant sleep and freak out. Thanks roommate. Good Morning mice, for todays meal we have Bag of Granola on the floor near tanning goggles and a lovely meat and rice pie on desk. Bon Appetite!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

This guy is crazy (this is not about the roommate)

There are a few things that are awsomely weird about this. He may be a gay pedophile (I mean, his last name is Dickson) but either way, this is one of my favorite shows on the net AKA The World Wide Web. Man can this guy blend.





DR EVIL LOVES DESTRUCTION

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Why is the water still running?

I was trying to sleep and I hear the shower go on. 15 minutes later I realize why our water bills are so high. I heard my roommate talking on the phone and realized that he still had not even gotten into the shower. I wish I could take a picture of what happened next but he is in the bathroom right now. Anyway, I get up and open my door right when he comes out of the bathroom fully dressed. I said, dude, why are you just letting the water run. I looked into the bathroom and saw his sport coat and and white coat from school hanging on the shower curtain bar. He wasn't even showering. He was steaming his clothes on my water bill. Does that even work? We have an iron.

Please people. Do I have a right to be a little upset. Like a tiny bit upset ? I think he thought I was being ridiculous when I said that he was doing that on my water bill.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Harry Potter is a bad roommate

The Sonic voice

This is what I hear every night even with my door closed. Wait until the end to really here his sonic abilities. Its usually at that level most of the time
video

I dont have a green roommate




What a waste of money to run the dishwasher with basically nothing in it.

This is crazy




I'm 28 years old and still living like a fraternity guy. I mean, I never thought that my life would turn into this. I really blame it all on the roommate. I'll tell you why.

For a year or two when we first moved in i tried to keep this house up to a cool bachelor standard. Meaning, I liked it to be clean but not too clean and wanted cool furniture and gadgets and such but after years of trying to fight an up hill battle of simply keeping this place mice free and sanitary my legs gave out. I couldnt do it anymore. Now I live like these pics. I would have trash cans but I dont know where my roommate put them.

Monday, February 25, 2008

What's with this shit?




This is one of the first lessons my parents taught me. Open the Cereal boxes properly and then they will be able to close. Well, my roommate never learned this lesson.

Please see pics.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

BACK DOOR OPEN

Fucker left the back door open for the 4th time in a month. The funny thing is that he really thinks its me that does it but I will swear on my life its him. Its crazy. How do you leave your own house door wide open in a city?


Oh and congrats to me on my 100th post. Yippy.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Who has the best bad roommate story?

I'm interested in hearing from anybody about their bad roommate stories. Please comment to this blog with your stories and I will post the best one/winner on my next blog entry. We have a panel of three voting on the best story.

Thanks,


R

Monday, February 18, 2008

Space heater

Woke up this morning. Roommate and his fiance were gone already. All the lights were on and there was a space heater blasting toward a pile of clothes in his room. Meanwhile, its close to 70 f'ing degrees out today.

Friday, February 15, 2008

What the?

Roommate and his fiance wake up this morning at the same time as me. I Walk into the hallway near the bathroom to let them know that we had two showing on the house today. Roommate said great. He goes down to the kitchen and comes back upstairs with a trash bag. "Yo, you have any trash in your room?"

"yeah, one sec." I got my trash and dumped it into the bag.

I could tell he was trying extra hard to show he was doing Something helpful, it was either because he was showing off for his girlfriend or because he felt really bad about everything that happened in the last week. Anyway, he takes his trash and dumps it in the bag and then the bathroom trash. While he was doing this I said goodbye and told them that I would be back at 1 pm to show the house.

I came back from my office, parked out front and introduced myself to the prospective tenants as we entered the house. My roommate and his girl were gone at that point. We went up stairs and I noticed the bag of trash that he was dumping was laying in the middle of the hallway basically with trash hanging out of it. Idiot. He dumped the trash and tried to do a good deed but then left the F'ing trash bag filled with the trash in the middle of the Hallway. He forgot to take the trash out. HAHA what an idiot.

Monday, February 11, 2008

HE TOOK MY FUCKING TOOTHPASTE

THIS HAS ALL GONE WAY TOO FAR. LIKE 2 YEARS TOO FAR.

HE WENT TO VISIT HIS GIRLFRIEND UP IN NYC AFTER WORK TODAY. BEFORE HE LEFT, HE WAS SUPPOSED TO CLEAN HIS PILES OF SMELLY ASS CLOTHES OUT OF THE LAUNDRY ROOM AND CLEAN UP AFTERWARD FOR THE PEOPLE WHO WERE COMING TO LOOK AT THE HOUSE. AS SOME OF YOU KNOW, I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO RENT THIS HOUSE FOR SOME TIME NOW. AFTER 5 WEEKS HE FINALLY MOVED HIS PILES OF SHIT BUT DIDNT CLEAN UP. I WAS JUST HAPPY HE WAS GONE FOR A NIGHT then........

I CAME UP STAIRS TO GET READY FOR BED LIKE THE GOOD WORKING CHAP THAT I AM BUT WAIT! WHERE'S THE TOOTHPASTE I BOUGHT A FEW DAYS BEFORE?????? LET'S ALL GUESS TOGETHER?

YEP. BOYS AND GIRLS, THE FUCKING ROOMATE TOOK MY MOTHER FUCKING TOOTHPASTE. WHO THE FUCK IS THAT SELFISH? HIS GIRLFRIEND DOESNT HAVE TOOTHPASTE??

ALL I KNOW IS THAT EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENS AND ITS NOT RIGHT. SO IM TAKING A VOTE. SHOULD I ATTEND HIS BACHELOR PARTY AND WEDDING?? I'M STARTING TO QUESTION THE FRIENDSHIP AND WHETHER OR NOT I SHOULD SPEND ONE MORE DOLLAR ON ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH A FRIEND ON THIN ICE.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

GROCERIES FOR THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

So everyone knows that my roommate broke the new vacuum machine I bought. He assured me that he would go out and buy a new one on his next day off. Well, he called into the hospital on his next day off and the vacuum never came. Last night he said, "Yo, my dad is coming over tonight or tomorrow to bring groceries and maybe a vacuum. Ok?"

"um ok" What did he want me to say to that.

He had a bag packed and said that he was headed back to the hospital.

His dad never showed up last night. This afternoon I went out the front door to go for a run and noticed that there were about 7 bags of groceries just sitting there. His dad must have had trouble getting into the house so he just left the groceries on the stoop. Meanwhile there were squirrels everywhere. I must have gotten there at the right time because it didn't look like they ate any of the food. They were def about to tear shit up. Anyway, where is my roommate and what were they going to do if I wasn't home? It would have been another front yard disaster. Cats, squirrels and possums would have had a freakin field day. GEEZUS.

To makes things worse. I was the one who had to unpack all of the groceries and put everything away making sure that animals didn't rip through the food. There was a vacuum in one of the bags but obviously any vacuum that can fit in a grocery bag isnt nearly a replacement for the one I bought and he broke. He got a dust buster.

Just another thing I didn't want to do or want to think about.

Monday, February 4, 2008

WHY GOD?

How did he already break the semi nice, brand new vacuum cleaner that I bought about a month ago! What the Fuck? I went to clean the house today and it wouldnt go on. He said, oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, I broke the vacuum machine. I ALMOST SERIOUSLY LOST IT. NEVER BEEN SO CLOSE TO GOING MAD. I KNEW I WAS CLOSE BECAUSE NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I BEEN RIGHT BETWEEN CRACKING UP AND KILLING SOMEBODY. THATS SOMETHING MAD PEOPLE DO? I DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO BUT IT FELT AS IF MY HEAD WAS GOING TO POP THE FUCK OFF, SO I WENT TO THE KITCHEN AND SMASHED A GLASS IN THE SINK. People who know me can vouch that I do not have an anger problem, but he seems to have pushed me towards the edge of sanity.

"How? You are a nightmare. I swear, I freaking nightmare. How the hell did you break it"

"I accidentally ripped a piece off the back of it. "

So now, we have a broken sewer pipe from our house to the street, a broken vacuum and new carpets. Obviously I am the one who is arranging all of this work to be done; with a grand total of $4500.

This place is as close to hell as one can get. Please somebody rent this house, Please.

WHY GOD?

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Plumbing problems

I have to laugh sometimes. Comedy is the visual and verbal cognitive dissonance of sufferers. Transforming hardship and annoyance into laughter.

This morning my roommate stuck around for the plumber who had to come to clear out the sewage main from our house to the sewer line. I had to go to work. I got a call a few hours later from my roommate.

"dude, They are still here and they cant seem to fix the problem so they are going to come back later with a super powered tool that should power through the clog. "

"Ok, will you be there for that?"

"Yeah"

"good, because im too busy with work"

Later on, he text messaged me- "can you do me a favor if you come home soon? Pick up some water and hard wood for the fireplace"

Recently my roommate has been on a weird fireplace kick where he sits in front of it and stares. Then builds another one.

I wrote him back "No"

A few minutes later I received another text saying "dude, I could really go for some hard wood"

What a freak but i have to admit it was funny.

So when I got back home, there was shit, mud water all over the back driveway. long story short is that they couldn't fix the problem and tomorrow morning they are coming back with the Foreman to dig up the driveway. It sucks because its going to be a couple grand, but I'm used to it. This is the fucking money pit.

Anyway, after a long day of work my roommate comes into my room and says:

"so I want to give you an update. They couldn't fix the problem and they said to limit the water use, so I think that we should piss in the yard."

He was completely serious.

I said, "are you fucking kidding me? for real? you think we should pee in the yard? Dude, the plumbing has been fucked for a few weeks now, and Im the one who called the plumber, you have been peeing in the toilet for the past few weeks so I think its ok for you to continue to pee in the toilet until they get this fixed. "

"well I really think that we should pee in the yard"

I was thinking, what the fuck? What the fuck is wrong with him: "dude, dont pee in the yard. You are 29 and we have neighbors and its not fair to them or me who is a half owner of this house. DO NOT PEE IN MY YARD. PLEASE.

"i dont know, I think we should"

"DUDE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO SHIT????? YOU GONNA SHIT IN THE FUCKING YARD TOO??? BECAUSE IF YOU ARENT, THEN DONT PEE IN THE FRONT YARD. OK?

THE END. ....

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Just Got Home

Its pretty late right now Monday morning. I just got home from a long weekend away in Florida. I was praying in the cab ride home that my roommate took the trash out. Sunday is trash night and has been for years.

The cab pulled up in front of the house and I noticed two very important things. One, roommates car was parked which meant he was home. Two, everyones trash was out front except for ours. FUCK!

I went inside and saw the same trash bags on the kitchen table that were there when I left on Friday morning. I just put sticky notes on his mirror in the bathroom explaining basically how he is the worst roommate that ever lived. His excuse tomorrow will be " OHH dude, im so sorry, I was so tired after this weekend and after all the family shit that I just forgot. I'll do it next weekend. No he wont

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

another drunken rant

All I know is that there are plenty of people out there like me. People stuck in situations that they never thought they would be stuck in. The trick is trying to turn a bad situation into a good one. Its kind of like Alchemy. This blog was my way of taking a crappy situation and turning it into something positive and constructive. I think that the world should learn from my microcosm of a situation with my roommate and use constructive and positive actions to better itself but its not so easy. I mean, why cant we all communicate effectively? One would think it would be an easy proposition. Ok, I will listen to you, and you listen to me and we will work everything out, it will be simple and we will turn the world into a better place. No. It just doesnt work that way. Why? Well, use my roommate and I as an example. I try to be civil and work things out and let him know that he is being a scum bag or he is doing something that bothers me or fucks up my credit and am missing all my underwear and I communicate these concerns in what I think to be an effective manner but it doesnt seem to ever sink in. Its a shitty situation and its the same situation that the world as a whole seems to be in currently. Communication is just the first step in what seems to be a larger problem that may never be solved. Everyone has their own agenda and some are so consumed by that agenda that communication fails to leave a strong enough imprint on the minds of the communicatee because that person, entity or country doesnt care enough or is so consumed in their own agenda that the message is never really felt. It may be communicated, and heard, but not felt enough to ever really be communicated. Feeling is the answer to effective communication but its rare and even if its felt personal agendas seem to prosper. The world is what it is and will always be an ever power struggling, hateful place until people really, truly leave their agendas and care as much about others then they do themselves but just like alchemy its most likely an impossible proposition. So I recommend that everyone in my situation buys a tazer gun and really electrocutes the fuck out of the person while you are talking to them, that way, they will really get the point.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

NO MORE MILK!!!!! SHITTTTTT

Woke up this morning and the first thought on my mind was Cereal. Cereally, all I wanted was my almond crunch cereal badly. I ran downstairs and noticed that the box of cereal was left out and open on the kitchen counter top. I knew exactly what to expect next but was optimistic that he didnt finish all the milk. I opened the fridge slowly and went to grab the milk that I had gone out of my way to buy two days earlier. As if in slow motion I grabbed the milk and it weighed close to nothing. He left me with enough milk to fill maybe a quarter of a bowl of cereal. WHAT THE FUCK. How did he manage to just about polish off an entire gallon of milk in one night!!!! Just finish the fucking milk. It would be less annoying. Geezus.

He blamed it on sleeping pills.

Bullshit.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Lost Phone Charger

My roommate talks to his girlfriend on the phone ALOT, (He just got engaged) Understandable, for they are in a long distance relationship.

The problem is that my roommate lost his cell charger again so he needs to borrow my phone at night after his phone dies. He just woke me up by knocking on my door. I asked what he wanted. He opened my door and said " hey dude, can I borrow your phone for 20 minutes?"

"Yeah, but im going to bed soon,."

"ok, ill leave it in the bathroom"

"you, cant. Its my alarm clock "

"ok, I just want to call her to say goodnight and i'll bring it back in"


I mean, its not that big of a deal but little things add up over time. Why dont I ever lose my cell phone charger? Why don't I clog sinks and toilets and the entire streets plumbing? How come I don't leave cereal all over the kitchen floor or forget to take out the trash for 4 months straight?

Who knows?

While im writing this he comes in to tell me that my phone died and that he needs to borrow my charger. Shit. I'm too old for this.