FIRE PART 3

GOT HOME YESTERDAY AND MY ROOMMATE LEFT THE HOUSE AND FORGOT HE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF MAKING LUNCH. HE LEFT TWO SLICES OF BREAD ON ONE OF THOSE TOAST MASTER FLAT GRILL LIKE TOASTERS, TOASTING AT 400 DEGREES. CRAZY. I COME HOME AND SMELL SMOKE AND NOTICE THE CHARRED BREAD AND CHEESE LEFT OUT. I ALSO NOTICED THE REFRIGERATOR WAS LEFT WIDE OPEN. I CANT BELIEVE THIS. I HAVE LIVED HERE FOR 3 YEARS.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I GOT UP OUT OF BED AT AROUND 2 AM TO GET A GLASS OF WATER FROM THE KITCHEN. I WALKED DOWN THE STEPS IN THE DARK AND AT THE BOTTOM STEP I COLLAPSED. THE FUCKER LEFT HIS GOOFY ASS MED SCHOOL CLOGS RIGHT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STEPS. I WAS ALREADY SORE DUE TO THREE HOURS OF BASKETBALL EARLIER IN THE DAY. MY ANKLE TWISTED AND I FUCKING COLLAPSED. GEEZUS. THE KID JUST DOESN'T THINK. I'M IN PAIN TODAY.

CREDIT

SOME OF YOU MAY REMEMBER THAT MY ROOMMATE DESTROYED MY CREDIT BY BEING 30 DAYS LATE ON MORTGAGE PAYMENTS TWICE OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS. WELL, THE BANK TOLD ME THAT IF HE WRITES A LETTER TO THE CREDIT AGENCY SAYING THAT IT WASNT MY FAULT THEN MAYBE THEY WOULD TAKE THE BLIP OFF OF MY REPORT. I HAVE BEEN ASKING HIM TO DO THIS FOR ABOUT THREE MONTHS NOW AND IT STILL HASNT BEEN ACCOMPLISHED. CRAZY. I MEAN, COME ON DUDE, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND HELP A FRIEND FIX HIS CREDIT SO HIS LIFE IS FUCKED BECAUSE OF SOMETHING YOU DID. ARE YOU FREAL?

Turn your voice down please

My roommate had the audacity to tell me to turn the TV down at 11:30 at night while he stayed on the phone yelling and laughing for 3 hours after that.

When I went to sleep I yelled, "Can you please turn your voice down a little."

FIRE BURN!!

MY Roommates girlfriend was in this past weekend. He built a fire on Sunday and made his girl some tea like a good boyfriend should do. I was sitting in the room watching TV getting ready to get up to leave this scene but was being lazy. The fire he built quickly burnt out so he scrambled around the house to find more "stuff" to burn. He came downstairs with the same mesh trash can he uses to file his nails and uses the trash in it as kindling. The problem is that he never learned that you cant burn magazines and glossy like paper. He was chucking calenders, printing paper and magazines into the fireplace. While watching TV I realized that I was having difficulty breathing. I turned around and saw him chucking all this crap in. The entire house started filling up with noxious smoke. That was yesterday.

Presently I am sitting here in the same room watching the Philadelphia Flyers game while eating delivery Chinese. The wind started blowing outside and all of a sudden that horrible smell is back. He didn't close the fucking flew and now there is this smelly dust everywhere. All I wanted to do was watch the flyer's game and eat in peace without having to smell the equivalent of a Cannibal BBQ.


My clothes smell too.

HEATER GUY

I was expecting a heating and air conditioning guy this morning because the heat wasnt working. He called and said he was running a few minutes late so I jumped in the shower in the hopes that I would beat him. He must have rang the door bell while I was in the shower because I heard my roommates door open and felt the vibration of somebody running down the steps. As I left the bathroom, I looked down the steps right when my roommate was letting him in the front door. Once again, my roommate answered the door in nothing but tight ass boxer briefs. I couldnt believe that he did that again and what the hell was the heating guy thinking. The first time was with a Chinese food delivery guy Poor guy.

I was like dude, sorry about my roommate. He just always walks around in those things.

HA.

NAIL CLIPPING

Im sitting in my room at my desk trying to read about stock valuation while my roommate clips his nails in the bathroom. I swear from the sound of it, if you didnt know him and have never seen him you would think he has 12 arms and 8 legs.

After he is finished he will go to his room and use his ikea mesh trash can as a nailfile.

shit close call. While I was typing that he came in with the trash can and I couldnt minimize the screen. This blog was almost revealed

THE GAS MAN

My roommate and I were having an Ambien induced cook off while discussing the prospective tenant who is waiting on our decision to stay or go. While we were discussing he cuts frozen soup out of the bag and then starts stabbing and pounding it with a sharp knife all while its heating. He continued to do this so as the soup warmed up it started to splash all around the kitchen. He thought he was being funny because we were both tweaked out on Ambien sleep aids, meanwhile, I'm still up somehow writing about this, I guess I need a stronger sleep aid. Right now its 3:45 AM. About two minutes ago I got up to get a drink of water and to turn on the air. I openened the door and instantly got hit with a blast of gas smell all up in my nose. It almost knocked me out. No it wasn't my roommate farting. I knew immediately what it was because he had cooked soup on the stove a few hours earlier. It had to be the stove. In fear of explosion, I ran down to the kitchen to turn it off. I slowly turned the knob to off and heard a click which I thought was the first sign of a chain reaction leading to my death. (I was on Ambien) Thank god that never happened. He could have killed us! IDIOT

And yet another fan

So now that my blog is blowing up with a total of three fans, im thinking that I have to go out and buy me some Bling. In the meantime, I dont know what to do because I think that I found somebody who wants to rent the house. A nice woman who will treat the place with some respect and get me out of those high utility bills. Do I really want to move out? What will happen to my blog? My roommate is actually down with moving out. We spoke breifly about it last night. Then he did some weird balerina dance to the bathroom. What a wacko. What should I do? If I had like 1,000 fans then maybe it would be worth staying in hell for another few months just so I could complete my impending book deal with Random House.

I dont know. All I know is that by November 1st I may be moving but dont worry people. I think I have enough stories to last a life time even if I don't continue to live with The Roommate.

One of my fans thinks i'm cool and wants to know more about me. Hmmm. What would you like to know fan?