Mezuzah Man PART 1

5 months ago my roommate took a weekend trip up to NYC with his friend from med school. They went to a block party on the Upper West Side where most of the houses were open for partying. In one of these houses he met the love of his life. He came back that Sunday, makes a crap load of noise and wakes me up from a nap by yelling "I'm in love, I'm in love, just like Elf did in the highly acclaimed film, Elf. I was just thinking, Fuck, he's back. He runs up to my room proclaiming love and explained how he met this beautiful and smart, Jewish red head with a great ass. He couldn't wait for me to meet her, however, he did have one concern. She was extremely religious. Modern Orthodox and he didn't know whether she knew that he was not very Jewish. The next day he told me that she was going to be visiting that next weekend for Shabbat and that I shoulnt use the special plates and knives that he bought specifically for her. For those non Jews out there, Jewish people have a special set of holy dishware for the holidays. There was a set of rules I had to follow for shabbat. I couldnt believe what was happening. I couldnt use a phone, watch tv or turn lights on or off from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. Later that day I came home and to see a brand new Mezuzah affixed on the back door to the house. I was thinking, oh god, this is serious and what an ugly f'ing mezuzah. Then I had one on my bedroom door and one on his door and one on the bathroom door and another one on the front door. He put Mezuzahs everywhere. Special dishware and Mezuzahs. Where the hell do I live? He really jew'd this place up. I mean, I guess that makes me a better person by default.

Part 2 later....

MY BROTHER MY BRO

Last Friday night a group of friends and I, including my roommate all decided we were going to see Super Bad at a suburban movie theater. We entered the movie a bit late due to our pre film, hot box car session. We walked slowly up the theater steps during the previews while our eyes adjusted to see that the theater was jam packed. My Roommate led the group and miraculously found probably the best 4 seats all next to each other in the middle of the row. As he walked into the aisle, we heard a thud and a man say, "Yo, what the fuck, watch where you're going." The guy stood up and my eyes had adjusted enough to see that he was large, black and pissed. So my roommate with his really loud voice says, "Sorry my brother." My brother? What the hell? What was the hell was he thinking?
"aight, just watch where you're standing"
"Sorry, bro, I apologize." He said it again, unbelievable, my brother and then after I hit him he says bro? What an idiot. A short stocky Jew calling a large, upset black man, my brother, may be hilarious, but not advisable. As, I walked by I apologized and said, "how do you think I feel, he's my roommate.

IM TIRED AND FUNNY STORY

I'm Tired. Cant sleep. Have nothing to write about so I will tell a funny story.

It was 6th grade. I was a bit immature for my age and in a very impressionable phase of life. Any little thing that happened in my social life would really affect me. I rushed out of the house and got to school just in time for homeroom. My first period class was English and after that was gym. Having gym class second period sucked, the rest of the day I felt nasty. Sitting in homeroom, I realized, that in my rush, I forgot to put on underwear. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if it wasn't for 2nd period gym class. My mom had given me a hand me down gym uniform both my brothers had worn when they were in middle school. The shorts had shrunk so much it looked like I was in Napolean Dynamite's gym class. There was no way I was going to wear these short shorts with no underwear underneath, especially during the co-ed stretching session in the first 15 minutes of class. Everyone would see my balls. I didn't want everyone to see my balls. The last thing I wanted was for some girl to see my prepubescent balls. What was I to do? For some reason we were graded on remembering to wear our gym uniforms, 1 point off if you forgot your shirt and 1 point for no shorts. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to bring my uniform one too many times and had one more chance to pass gym for the semester. I was fucked and started to panic. I walked up to my homeroom teacher and private math tutor (she came to my house twice a week) and started crying.
"is everything alright" she asks
"Not really"
"Whats wrong"
"I'm not wearing any underwear" I said balling my eyes out.

What could she have been thinking at that moment? Why the hell is this kid telling me that he isnt wearing any underwear? Is he hitting on me? He cant be, why would he be crying? she took me out to the hallway and I explained my gym situation. She must have been struggling hard to hold her laugh in. I would be. Long story short, my mom came to school and brought a pair of underwear.

What the fuck was I thinking?

FLUX CAPASTER

THIS BLOG READS LIKE A POORLY WRITTEN BUT FUNNY BOOK. SO IF YOU DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT THEN GO BACK TO THE FIRST BLOG AND READ UNTIL THE PRESENT DAY.


MORTGAGE COMPANY CALLED TODAY, ROOMMATE FUCKED UP MY CREDIT. THEY DIDNT RECEIVE A PAYMENT.

STOLEN TRASH CANS

SO I GUESS PEOPLE ARE SO SICK OF MY ROOMMATE LEAVING THE TRASH CANS ON THE STREET ALL WEEK THAT THEY FINALLY DECIDED TO STEAL THEM. NO MORE TRASH CANS. I GUESS THIS IS GOING TO LEAD TO SOMETHING LIKE THE MAGGOT STORY IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

RTARD PLUMBER

I got home from the shore again about two hours ago. I parked my car, took my bags out and then said a little prayer to god. "Please god, please let everything in the house be normal and please tell me that my roommate took out the trash." I entered the house and dropped my bags off in my room. My roommate wasn't home. The trash was not taken out but it wasn't a big deal, there was only one bag to take.

If you remember from a few blog entries ago, I explained how my roommate clogged the sink by grinding a full drinking glass in the garbage disposal. Well, it took him forever to call the plumber and when he finally called he found out that it was more expensive to do a weekend emergency call, so he decided to wait until this coming Monday. Anyway, the sink was filled with gross, few day old sink water with shit floating in it. Tomato sauce, pasta, lettuce, etc...

I walked into the kitchen to get some water from the fridge and felt my feet sink into water. I looked down and just saw a wet kitchen mat. I then turned my attention to the dishwasher and noticed that there was nasty crust all over the outside of it.

Long story short, when my roommate got home, I asked him why there was crust all over the dishwasher and water on the floor. His Reply: Oh, well you know how there was that nasty water filled in the sink? Well, I moved it all to the dishwasher."

WHAT?????!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHO DOES THAT?

You can imagine what happened after that. I closed my door and went to bed. After that, he came in and showed me a diagram of why it wasn't a big deal. It was some weird drawing of pipes and a sink. Now he's an Rtarded plumber.

BACK FROM WORK

Just got back from work a little later than usual and heard a loud, booming sound coming from up stairs. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

THE ROOMMATE IS BACK FROM VACATION WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND.

It was so nice for a few days even though the air broke and the alarm kept sounding, so nice, that I wrote a poem about it.

Twas so nice the past few days alone
alone in this home
Stank be gone
for how I long
to be alone
for one more day
without Sonic Boom Man on da phone

BROKEN WASHER, BROKEN AIR, BROKEN DREAMS

SHIT BE BROKE ALL UP IN DA CRIB.

Ever since we moved in, I've been telling The Roommate that he cant load all of his clothes into the washer and dryer at once. Not only is it unsanitary but the machines will overload and break. "When they break you pay for them to be fixed" was my line for the past few years. So during that time, of course, he didn't listen and they have broken three different times......AHH.... Project X.

So I've been saying the same thing about cranking the air conditioning down to 60 degrees. Not only is that too cold but when it breaks you are going to pay to fix it.

Last night, after a long long day, I was beat and all I wanted was to fall asleep at a normal time. Before bed, I called the 1800 number on the alarm keypad to see if they could help me fix the beeping problem. They instructed me to find the main box in my basement. Only there could I deactivate the system. The problem: The last owners of this house never gave me the key to get into this box. Great, now I don't have the key or the alarm code and the alarm company wont give it to me. The customer service guy advised that there was one more option. Follow the wires through my house and find the main outlet where the system is plugged into and pull the plug. Then the system would be working on back up battery power for a good 24 hours and would still beep until it ran out of batteries or a service representative could come to the property. I got pissed and hung up. After about a half hour of searching, I finally found the plug and outlet in my roommates closet (figures) and pulled it. I hope it was the annoying plug.

So I closed my eyes pissed, knowing that I had another night of being woken up to beeping at 1 AM and 5AM ahead of me. To make matters worse, I was really hot and dont like being hot when I sleep so I got up and turned the thermostadt lower and went back to bed. I realized minutes later that the air didnt come on. I got up again and turned it even lower and again, the air didn't start. SHIT, its broken! Beeping and no air conditioning, SHIT..... What a night. I hardly slept.

My roommate is coming back today and he is going to have a nice $150 bill waiting for him. I should charge him more just to pay for the shrink that I'll have to see if I keep living here.

THAT DAMN ALARM

I don't know how to shut this damn alarm that he F'd with off. It goes off at 1 AM. 5 AM, 10 AM, 1:30 PM (why the 30 I don't know) and 4 PM.

I cant shut it off. I dont know where the main switch is. I tried using the circuit breaker and that doesn't work. Shit. I can't go through another night with that damn beeping.

Water The Garden

My roommate and I were watching TV at around 9 PM a few months ago and were drinking some scotch. He got up and goes out to the patio/garden. I was just wondering why he went out there in the middle of the show. Then I started hearing water hitting plants. I yelled to him "dude, what are you doing"

He responded "I'm taking a fucking piss"

ME: "Why didn't you use the bathroom. Who pisses on their own patio?"

HIM: "It was closer and its liberating"

WHAT THE F

UnderWhere?

I went to the mall last week and picked up a three pack of Boss boxer briefs that were on sale at Nordstroms. Somehow I am already missing two of those three. It must have been the great laundry commingle. Doesnt he think its gross to wear somebody elses underwear? Im still not sure if he really wears them or if they just end up in those smelly piles.

ahhh Peace

I'm just starting to feel the effects of my roommate being gone and its damn relaxing.

I moved his car out of the driveway last night and drove it right into the center of the park across the street. He won't be able to find it when he gets back because its going to be towed.

No, im joking but I was thinking about driving it down to like Texas or maybe even Mexico just to leave it there. That way it will be really difficult for him to find.

fucker.

TEXT

MY ROOMMATE SENT ME A TEXT ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.

"Dog, need a big favor. ....I could not find a spot last night. I am parked illegally on Blank Street behind our house....I left my car keys under the bed in my room. Can you repark my car? I will get mad tickets and towed otherwise....Please its important!"


Idiot. He doesnt even know that he left his car in the driveway blocking our neighbor Syvie in. HAHAHA. He doesnt even know where he parked his car. UNBELIEVABLE!!!!

VACATION

MY ROOMMATE JUST LEFT FOR A FEW DAYS WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. THEY LEFT FOR THE AIRPORT BY CAB AT 5 AM THIS MORNING. AT 8:30 AM I WALKED OUT TO MY CAR AND REALIZED THAT HE WENT ON VACATION WITHOUT MOVING HIS CAR FROM THE DRIVEWAY. SYLVIE, MY ELDER NEIGHBOR IS GOING TO FREAK. HE BLOCKED HER CAR IN THE DRIVEWAY AGAIN AND WENT ON VACATION. WHAT AN IDIOT.

I cant believe this

I cant believe that not a day goes by without an "event". Sometimes it's surreal that its actually me that got stuck in a living situation like this. I must have walked under a ladder or broke a mirror or something.

Last night I was sitting watching tv and my roommate yells from the kitchen, "Yo, somethings wrong with the garbage disposal, isnt there a reset button somewhere?"

I reply yes and tell him where it is. That was the end of that.

Tonight, I finish dinner and go to the sink to pour out the leftover rice from my Vietnamese food. I go to start the garbage disposal and the power goes out. I was like, "What the Fuck!" So I take some action and stick my hand into the pit of slime and feel something slice my finger. "Fuck!, another fucking glass down the tubes!!!" I go downstairs to the basement to flip the breaker with my finger bleeding and go back up to the kitchen. I put my hand back in the slop water pit, lightly this time, and pull out the bottom of a glass that I have never seen before, so it had to be his fault.

Its un fucking believable.

WHY CANT I GET THIS PLACE RENTED ALREADY. I"M TOO OLD FOR A ROOMMATE.

THE GREAT LAUNDRY COMMINGLE

Not only have our glasses slowly disappeared over time but so has my underwear. I used to have so many pairs and now I'm down to about 6. I find myself in a constant laundry cycle so I don't run out. I mean, I know I should go out and buy some more but I just haven't had time.

I finally noticed how it happens today. My roommate has large piles of stanky clothes in the basement that have been in line for a good washing for quite sometime. Finally, two days ago he decided to start loading some of these piles. Today, on my way out of the house, I went searching for a pair of clean socks in my clean clothes pile sitting on a shelf in the basement but the pile was gone. I checked the washer and noticed my roommate commingled my clean clothes with his dirty clothes. No wonder my underwear goes missing. He commingles. He's a commingler. Maybe this is just a brilliant way of slowly acquiring a wardrobe or maybe he just doesn't think about what he is doing.

NORTH POLE

Just received a $455 dollar energy bill. Its all because my roommate thinks he's Santa living in the North Pole. Its freaking freezing in here.

He also doesn't grasp the technicalities of a thermostat. He knows I get pissed about the electric bills so if he leaves the house he will turn the air up to 85 degrees? I mean, I guess this is his way of being a good roommate but it doesnt make sense. Doesn't he realize that the air will not cool to 85 degrees and that its more expensive to cool the house back down to a normal temperature? Why cant he put it on like 75 or lower.

HYDROPONIC FARMER

I have always been proud of the fact that I had kept all of my drinking glasses since college. They have traveled with me from apartment to apartment and have suprisingly stayed intact, until The Roommate. Over the past few years I have seen him and not seen him break so many drinking glasses its unreal. I don't know how he does it. We are down to about 3 glasses all of which end up filled with old water on his window sill. I think He is cultivating something. Some new type of plant.

NAIL CLIPPER

WHERE ART THOU NAIL CLIPPERS? FOR I HAVE MISSED THEE. I HAVE TAKEN SUCH GOOD CARE OF THEE, SO WHY MUST YOU GO MISSING EVERY MONTH NEVER TO RETURN?

WHERE ART THOU OFF TO?

HAHA F'ing Classic. A MUST READ

Ok. So about two hours ago I posted about coming home from the weekend at the beach. Please read that post before this one.

So my roommate got home holding a box of trash bags in his hand like he did me a big fucking favor or something, like he just took credit for saving the world with a vaccine to some disease the somebody else came up with, like I haven't been text messaging him for days about trash bags. Keep in mind that the light bulbs and dryer sheets didn't come with the gift.

Anyway, so he starts taking the trash out. Thank god! I was happy that I didnt have to do it because flight of the concords was coming on and I didn't feel like dealing with house shit. After the first hilarious song about French baguettes ends, I hear my roommate yelling outside. I didnt know why he was yelling. He comes running inside and into the basement. He comes back up with a jug of Clorox Bleach and yells "There's fucking maggots everywhere"
Confused and annoyed, I said "What?"
"Maggots, everywhere" As he ran out the front door.

So I jumped up and ran outside to see what was going on? As it started to rain, I noticed that there were seriously fucking maggots everywhere. They were all over the recently redone brick patio. White wormy fucks all over. Seriously, I have never seen so many maggots in my life. They must have been growing in the trash bag and the weight of them broke through the bottom all over my roommates feet. He started pouring bleach all over the patio and I'm freaking out because I thought he was going to bleach the bricks a new color.

He started hosing down the entire patio while I took out the rest of the trash. So again, I had to take the trash out on Good Roommate Weekend. Fucker. The one good thing is that the keg from the super bowl is finally out by the street with the trash. Obviously going to stay there for a while but its finally made its slug like journey out of the premises.

I am living in a hilarious hell. This was a horrible but fucking hilarious experience. HAHAHAHAHA. I live with the worlds smartest idiot.

JUST GOT HOME

Came home from another weekend at the beach to a house filled with unfulfilled roommate promises. This weekend was "good roommate weekend." He was supposed buy trash bags for the piles of trash amassing in the kitchen, light bulbs for the lack of light in the dark house, take the Super Bowl keg back to the distributor, and help take the trash out. He isnt here and nothing has been accomplished. He isnt answering his phone or text messages. All I wanted to do was come home to a house that had light and didnt smell of trash. Bastard. I'm definitely moving out soon.

PROJECT X

My roommate has used liquid hand soap in the Dishwasher, count it, not one, not two, but three different times and didn't learn his lesson after the first kitchen foam party. He has flooded the kitchen with soap suds three different times and didn't learn from the past two mistakes.

He is like the stupid monkey's in Project X with Matthew Broderik.

FLIGHT OF THE CONCORD

MY ROOMMATE SLEPT AT HIS PARENTS HOUSE LAST NIGHT. I WAS HOPING TO SLEEP UNTIL 8:30 AM AND WAS EXCITED ABOUT THAT. THEN 5:45 AM CAME AROUND AND THE DAMN ALARM STARTS SOUNDING AGAIN. WHAT THE HELL DID HE DO TO IT. DID HE SET IT TO ANNOYING MODE?

WHY CANT MY ROOMMATE AND I GET ALONG LIKE THE GUYS FROM FLIGHT OF THE CONCORD AND SING REALLY COOL SONGS TOGETHER TO SOLVE ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS? IF WE HAD A SONG IT WOULD GO LIKE THIS. THINK OF IT AS A FUNKY, R and B LIKE RAPPING DIDDY.

"WELL HE FOUND THE SECRET CODE,OOOOH,
TO DRIVE YOUR ROOMMATE OF HIS ROCKER MODE.OHHHHH
DO THEY HAVE EVEN HAVE THAT MODE? OOOOHHH,
SHIT, I DONT EVEN HAVE THE CODE, OOOHHH,
TO TURN OFF THE SPECIAL ANNOYING MODE
THE ONE THAT MAKES YOUR ROOMMATES BRAIN EXPLODE"

THATS ALL I've got right now.

AMBIEN PART 3

I wake up this morning to a kitchen that looked like the Swedish Chef had paid a little visit. The trash was knocked over, there was water on the counter tops, a knife with grape jelly on it as well as all over the counter tops, some weird smell, and pizza crusts lying on the floor. I have two suspects: A. it could be The Swedish Chef or B. My Roommate during an Ambien induced sleep walking meal. There are a few hilarious things about this situation. One, is that the Swedish Chef is awesome. Two. Where the hell did my roommate find grape jelly and what did he put it on, we have no bread. Could it have been the left over gourmet pizza?

TEXT MESSAGE

Time: 12:07

Place: My Bed

Situation: Just recieved a text message from my roommate in his bedroom.

Text: If u were marooned on a desert island and there were only pigs, u would fuck the pigs like a sick beastiality loving fiend u would joyfully fuck those pigs for the rest of your sick life. Pig Fucker. O Doyle Rules!

Huh?

FOOD SHOPPING

Food Shopping. HE NEVER DOES IT. I DO (occasionally). I go to the Whole Foods occasionally to get some healthy, good and expensive groceries. I tell him not to eat it and if he does to replace it. Next thing I know the food is pretty much gone and it never gets replaced.

So one day, I got home and the house was clean and stocked with food. I couldn't believe it. He actually made it look a bit clean and bought food, unreal. I told him that I was appreciative that he finally went food shopping and decided to do a good thing for the house of which he is a part owner. He just said no problem. It was his pleasure.

The next day I get home and he is kissing his girlfriend on the couch. I couldn't believe it. No wonder he went food shopping and cleaned. It was all for the TANG NAY NAY.

Dick.

What makes him really annoying: Its ok to share some of the food that I go out of my way to buy but when there's only enough milk and cereal for one bowl, you don't finish the fucking shit off, damn it. I'm hungry in the morning. You save it for the person who bought it.

So one day he went out and bought Fig Newmans, they are like a better version of Fig Newtons. I destroyed those fuckers in like 20 minutes. I couldn't eat them all so I threw some in the garbage disposal.

THE BLOCKED DRIVEWAY AND SYLVIE

Ok, so my neighbor is a really old, nice woman. I really like her. We share a drive way that leads to two parking spots. Mine and hers. Now if you remember correctly, I explained in one of my first posts that I get to park there and my roommate got the larger bedroom so he has to park on the street. Now, Sylvie often has to leave her house to go to the market, or convenient store or god forbid to get medical attention, she is on an oxygen tank. For the first year of living here if my roommate couldn't find a spot he would park illegally on the street and rack up the parking tickets. Literally one a day. 35 dollars times 365. Figure it out. I guess he finally got sick of receiving these daily treats so he developed an annoying habit of parking in the driveway, blocking both me and my sweet old neighbor in our spots. One time she got really pissed and wrote an angry letter or at least as angry of a letter as an old sweet woman could write and left it on our front door.
" Dear Fellows, Please try not to block my car in for I needed to pick up my medicine at the pharmacy and couldn't. Please be kind enough in the future to not block my car and call me if you really need to."
I felt horrible. He still parks there.

ALARM ALARM / The noise part tres

So two days ago I was leaving my house to go to work and I saw news vans in my neighborhood. I asked the news van driver what happened. He told me that a womans house around the corner got broken into at 2 AM and she was attacked. It def freaked me out a a bit and I immediately thought about protecting my house by possibly setting up the inactive alarm system. When my roommate got home we discussed what had happened and he completely agreed with my alarm recommendation. This morning I woke up to a sounding alarm. At first I thought that I was being attacked by terrorists and had to get to the bunker but that was just a dream. I opened my eyes, jumped up and ran downstairs freaked out and confused because i didnt know what was going on and have never heard an alarm in this house. I noticed that the flap to the alarm keypad which I have never touched, was open. I realized that my roommate must have wanted to see if it worked or something. Anyway, another morning getting woken up to an annoying noise.