Plumbing problems

I have to laugh sometimes. Comedy is the visual and verbal cognitive dissonance of sufferers. Transforming hardship and annoyance into laughter.

This morning my roommate stuck around for the plumber who had to come to clear out the sewage main from our house to the sewer line. I had to go to work. I got a call a few hours later from my roommate.

"dude, They are still here and they cant seem to fix the problem so they are going to come back later with a super powered tool that should power through the clog. "

"Ok, will you be there for that?"

"Yeah"

"good, because im too busy with work"

Later on, he text messaged me- "can you do me a favor if you come home soon? Pick up some water and hard wood for the fireplace"

Recently my roommate has been on a weird fireplace kick where he sits in front of it and stares. Then builds another one.

I wrote him back "No"

A few minutes later I received another text saying "dude, I could really go for some hard wood"

What a freak but i have to admit it was funny.

So when I got back home, there was shit, mud water all over the back driveway. long story short is that they couldn't fix the problem and tomorrow morning they are coming back with the Foreman to dig up the driveway. It sucks because its going to be a couple grand, but I'm used to it. This is the fucking money pit.

Anyway, after a long day of work my roommate comes into my room and says:

"so I want to give you an update. They couldn't fix the problem and they said to limit the water use, so I think that we should piss in the yard."

He was completely serious.

I said, "are you fucking kidding me? for real? you think we should pee in the yard? Dude, the plumbing has been fucked for a few weeks now, and Im the one who called the plumber, you have been peeing in the toilet for the past few weeks so I think its ok for you to continue to pee in the toilet until they get this fixed. "

"well I really think that we should pee in the yard"

I was thinking, what the fuck? What the fuck is wrong with him: "dude, dont pee in the yard. You are 29 and we have neighbors and its not fair to them or me who is a half owner of this house. DO NOT PEE IN MY YARD. PLEASE.

"i dont know, I think we should"

"DUDE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO SHIT????? YOU GONNA SHIT IN THE FUCKING YARD TOO??? BECAUSE IF YOU ARENT, THEN DONT PEE IN THE FRONT YARD. OK?

THE END. ....

Just Got Home

Its pretty late right now Monday morning. I just got home from a long weekend away in Florida. I was praying in the cab ride home that my roommate took the trash out. Sunday is trash night and has been for years.

The cab pulled up in front of the house and I noticed two very important things. One, roommates car was parked which meant he was home. Two, everyones trash was out front except for ours. FUCK!

I went inside and saw the same trash bags on the kitchen table that were there when I left on Friday morning. I just put sticky notes on his mirror in the bathroom explaining basically how he is the worst roommate that ever lived. His excuse tomorrow will be " OHH dude, im so sorry, I was so tired after this weekend and after all the family shit that I just forgot. I'll do it next weekend. No he wont

NO MORE MILK!!!!! SHITTTTTT

Woke up this morning and the first thought on my mind was Cereal. Cereally, all I wanted was my almond crunch cereal badly. I ran downstairs and noticed that the box of cereal was left out and open on the kitchen counter top. I knew exactly what to expect next but was optimistic that he didnt finish all the milk. I opened the fridge slowly and went to grab the milk that I had gone out of my way to buy two days earlier. As if in slow motion I grabbed the milk and it weighed close to nothing. He left me with enough milk to fill maybe a quarter of a bowl of cereal. WHAT THE FUCK. How did he manage to just about polish off an entire gallon of milk in one night!!!! Just finish the fucking milk. It would be less annoying. Geezus.

He blamed it on sleeping pills.

Bullshit.

Lost Phone Charger

My roommate talks to his girlfriend on the phone ALOT, (He just got engaged) Understandable, for they are in a long distance relationship.

The problem is that my roommate lost his cell charger again so he needs to borrow my phone at night after his phone dies. He just woke me up by knocking on my door. I asked what he wanted. He opened my door and said " hey dude, can I borrow your phone for 20 minutes?"

"Yeah, but im going to bed soon,."

"ok, ill leave it in the bathroom"

"you, cant. Its my alarm clock "

"ok, I just want to call her to say goodnight and i'll bring it back in"


I mean, its not that big of a deal but little things add up over time. Why dont I ever lose my cell phone charger? Why don't I clog sinks and toilets and the entire streets plumbing? How come I don't leave cereal all over the kitchen floor or forget to take out the trash for 4 months straight?

Who knows?

While im writing this he comes in to tell me that my phone died and that he needs to borrow my charger. Shit. I'm too old for this.