Mezuzah Man PART 1

5 months ago my roommate took a weekend trip up to NYC with his friend from med school. They went to a block party on the Upper West Side where most of the houses were open for partying. In one of these houses he met the love of his life. He came back that Sunday, makes a crap load of noise and wakes me up from a nap by yelling "I'm in love, I'm in love, just like Elf did in the highly acclaimed film, Elf. I was just thinking, Fuck, he's back. He runs up to my room proclaiming love and explained how he met this beautiful and smart, Jewish red head with a great ass. He couldn't wait for me to meet her, however, he did have one concern. She was extremely religious. Modern Orthodox and he didn't know whether she knew that he was not very Jewish. The next day he told me that she was going to be visiting that next weekend for Shabbat and that I shoulnt use the special plates and knives that he bought specifically for her. For those non Jews out there, Jewish people have a special set of holy dishware for the holidays. There was a set of rules I had to follow for shabbat. I couldnt believe what was happening. I couldnt use a phone, watch tv or turn lights on or off from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday. Later that day I came home and to see a brand new Mezuzah affixed on the back door to the house. I was thinking, oh god, this is serious and what an ugly f'ing mezuzah. Then I had one on my bedroom door and one on his door and one on the bathroom door and another one on the front door. He put Mezuzahs everywhere. Special dishware and Mezuzahs. Where the hell do I live? He really jew'd this place up. I mean, I guess that makes me a better person by default.

Part 2 later....

MY BROTHER MY BRO

Last Friday night a group of friends and I, including my roommate all decided we were going to see Super Bad at a suburban movie theater. We entered the movie a bit late due to our pre film, hot box car session. We walked slowly up the theater steps during the previews while our eyes adjusted to see that the theater was jam packed. My Roommate led the group and miraculously found probably the best 4 seats all next to each other in the middle of the row. As he walked into the aisle, we heard a thud and a man say, "Yo, what the fuck, watch where you're going." The guy stood up and my eyes had adjusted enough to see that he was large, black and pissed. So my roommate with his really loud voice says, "Sorry my brother." My brother? What the hell? What was the hell was he thinking?
"aight, just watch where you're standing"
"Sorry, bro, I apologize." He said it again, unbelievable, my brother and then after I hit him he says bro? What an idiot. A short stocky Jew calling a large, upset black man, my brother, may be hilarious, but not advisable. As, I walked by I apologized and said, "how do you think I feel, he's my roommate.

IM TIRED AND FUNNY STORY

I'm Tired. Cant sleep. Have nothing to write about so I will tell a funny story.

It was 6th grade. I was a bit immature for my age and in a very impressionable phase of life. Any little thing that happened in my social life would really affect me. I rushed out of the house and got to school just in time for homeroom. My first period class was English and after that was gym. Having gym class second period sucked, the rest of the day I felt nasty. Sitting in homeroom, I realized, that in my rush, I forgot to put on underwear. It wouldn't have been such a big deal if it wasn't for 2nd period gym class. My mom had given me a hand me down gym uniform both my brothers had worn when they were in middle school. The shorts had shrunk so much it looked like I was in Napolean Dynamite's gym class. There was no way I was going to wear these short shorts with no underwear underneath, especially during the co-ed stretching session in the first 15 minutes of class. Everyone would see my balls. I didn't want everyone to see my balls. The last thing I wanted was for some girl to see my prepubescent balls. What was I to do? For some reason we were graded on remembering to wear our gym uniforms, 1 point off if you forgot your shirt and 1 point for no shorts. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to bring my uniform one too many times and had one more chance to pass gym for the semester. I was fucked and started to panic. I walked up to my homeroom teacher and private math tutor (she came to my house twice a week) and started crying.
"is everything alright" she asks
"Not really"
"Whats wrong"
"I'm not wearing any underwear" I said balling my eyes out.

What could she have been thinking at that moment? Why the hell is this kid telling me that he isnt wearing any underwear? Is he hitting on me? He cant be, why would he be crying? she took me out to the hallway and I explained my gym situation. She must have been struggling hard to hold her laugh in. I would be. Long story short, my mom came to school and brought a pair of underwear.

What the fuck was I thinking?

FLUX CAPASTER

THIS BLOG READS LIKE A POORLY WRITTEN BUT FUNNY BOOK. SO IF YOU DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT THEN GO BACK TO THE FIRST BLOG AND READ UNTIL THE PRESENT DAY.


MORTGAGE COMPANY CALLED TODAY, ROOMMATE FUCKED UP MY CREDIT. THEY DIDNT RECEIVE A PAYMENT.

STOLEN TRASH CANS

SO I GUESS PEOPLE ARE SO SICK OF MY ROOMMATE LEAVING THE TRASH CANS ON THE STREET ALL WEEK THAT THEY FINALLY DECIDED TO STEAL THEM. NO MORE TRASH CANS. I GUESS THIS IS GOING TO LEAD TO SOMETHING LIKE THE MAGGOT STORY IN THE NEAR FUTURE.

RTARD PLUMBER

I got home from the shore again about two hours ago. I parked my car, took my bags out and then said a little prayer to god. "Please god, please let everything in the house be normal and please tell me that my roommate took out the trash." I entered the house and dropped my bags off in my room. My roommate wasn't home. The trash was not taken out but it wasn't a big deal, there was only one bag to take.

If you remember from a few blog entries ago, I explained how my roommate clogged the sink by grinding a full drinking glass in the garbage disposal. Well, it took him forever to call the plumber and when he finally called he found out that it was more expensive to do a weekend emergency call, so he decided to wait until this coming Monday. Anyway, the sink was filled with gross, few day old sink water with shit floating in it. Tomato sauce, pasta, lettuce, etc...

I walked into the kitchen to get some water from the fridge and felt my feet sink into water. I looked down and just saw a wet kitchen mat. I then turned my attention to the dishwasher and noticed that there was nasty crust all over the outside of it.

Long story short, when my roommate got home, I asked him why there was crust all over the dishwasher and water on the floor. His Reply: Oh, well you know how there was that nasty water filled in the sink? Well, I moved it all to the dishwasher."

WHAT?????!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHO DOES THAT?

You can imagine what happened after that. I closed my door and went to bed. After that, he came in and showed me a diagram of why it wasn't a big deal. It was some weird drawing of pipes and a sink. Now he's an Rtarded plumber.

BACK FROM WORK

Just got back from work a little later than usual and heard a loud, booming sound coming from up stairs. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

THE ROOMMATE IS BACK FROM VACATION WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND.

It was so nice for a few days even though the air broke and the alarm kept sounding, so nice, that I wrote a poem about it.

Twas so nice the past few days alone
alone in this home
Stank be gone
for how I long
to be alone
for one more day
without Sonic Boom Man on da phone