Sunday, September 30, 2007

Where the F is my food

I went food shopping last week for the first time in a while. I basically gave up on food shopping a while back out of the pure frusteration of missing food. So I came home a few hours ago and while I was watching football games I

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Manhood = Dong + Foreskin (unclipped)

Sitting at my desk tonight still trying to learn about finance stuff while watching the Phillie's game my roommate comes in with pajama pants, no shirt to cover his hairy, sonic boom chest and carrying his own chair. He sits uncomfortably close to me and begins to watch the game without speaking a word. When I say close, I mean like we are at a real baseball game close.

I said, " Uh, dude. Why did you just sit so close to me?" I am comfortable with my manhood but its just weird that he brought a chair into my room and placed it so close to me and with no shirt on. Its hilariously bazaar.

I go back to work and he says right behind me, "yo, man.....its just me and you....What do you want to do about it?"

"Get out of my room. You are annoying me."

"Dude, are you just jealous that im going to be a doctor and you just a salesman?"

"No, not at all, I just think that you are being a little too gay for me right now and you need a time out, A long one...Maybe like 5 years. "

"Yeah, I do need a long one, is yours long?"

" GET OUT OF MY ROOM"

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

NAIL CLIPPING

Im sitting in my room at my desk trying to read about stock valuation while my roommate clips his nails in the bathroom. I swear from the sound of it, if you didnt know him and have never seen him you would think he has 12 arms and 8 legs.

After he is finished he will go to his room and use his ikea mesh trash can as a nailfile.

shit close call. While I was typing that he came in with the trash can and I couldnt minimize the screen. This blog was almost revealed

TV

My roommate is watching TV right now and I'm almost sure that the entire street can hear it.

Friday, September 21, 2007

MISSING SHIRT. NO MISSING PANTS

A FEW MINUTES AGO I WAS LOOKING AROUND MY HOUSE FOR A PARTICULAR SHIRT THAT I WANTED TO WEAR TO DINNER WITH MY FAMILY. I COULDNT FIND IT SO OF COURSE I AUTOMATICALLY THOUGHT THAT MY ROOMMATE WORE MY NEW SHIRT. I'M SURE YOU WOULD TOO. WHILE BEGINING TO FREAK OUT I DECIDED TO CHECK HIS ROOM TO SEE IF HE HAD IT SOMEHWERE. MEANWHILE, HIS ROOM IS LITERALLY PILES OF CLOTHES RIGHT NOW, IM NOT JOKING, HIS ENTIRE ROOM IS COVERED IN PILES OF CLOTHES TO THE POINT WHERE YOU CANT SEE THE FLOOR.
I STARTED FLIPPING THROUGH THE HANGING CLOTHES IN HIS CLOSET AND WHAT DO I FIND? NOT THE SHIRT I WAS LOOKING FOR BUT THE TWO PAIRS OF VERY EXPENSIVE DRESS PANTS THAT I HAVE BEEN BLAMING MY DRY CLEANERS FOR LOSING FOR ABOUT 5 MONTHS NOW. WHAT THE FUCK. I ASKED HIM MULTIPLE TIMES OVER THE PAST FEW MONTHS IF HE HAD SEEN THEM. OBVIOUSLY, HE SAID NO.

WHAT A DICK. SO I HAVE BEEN STUCK WEARING WEARING PLEATED PANTS TOWARDS THE END OF THE WEEK BECAUSE OF HIM. I HATE PLEATS AND GIRLS DONT LIKE THEM EITHER

I FINALLY FOUND THE SHIRT IN MY DIRTY CLOTHES.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

UNREAL. FO REAL

If you can remember, I recently wrote two blogs pertaining to my roommate screwing up my credit by bouncing a check with our mortgage company and then almost doing it again the next month. Well, for a third time in 1 1/2 months time, Wells Fargo called me and let me know that we had a little problem. Basically, one of the checks couldnt be deposited because the legal description on the check was a different amount then the numerical amount. Guess whos check that was?



AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

THE GAS MAN

My roommate and I were having an Ambien induced cook off while discussing the prospective tenant who is waiting on our decision to stay or go. While we were discussing he cuts frozen soup out of the bag and then starts stabbing and pounding it with a sharp knife all while its heating. He continued to do this so as the soup warmed up it started to splash all around the kitchen. He thought he was being funny because we were both tweaked out on Ambien sleep aids, meanwhile, I'm still up somehow writing about this, I guess I need a stronger sleep aid. Right now its 3:45 AM. About two minutes ago I got up to get a drink of water and to turn on the air. I openened the door and instantly got hit with a blast of gas smell all up in my nose. It almost knocked me out. No it wasn't my roommate farting. I knew immediately what it was because he had cooked soup on the stove a few hours earlier. It had to be the stove. In fear of explosion, I ran down to the kitchen to turn it off. I slowly turned the knob to off and heard a click which I thought was the first sign of a chain reaction leading to my death. (I was on Ambien) Thank god that never happened. He could have killed us! IDIOT

Monday, September 17, 2007

And yet another fan

So now that my blog is blowing up with a total of three fans, im thinking that I have to go out and buy me some Bling. In the meantime, I dont know what to do because I think that I found somebody who wants to rent the house. A nice woman who will treat the place with some respect and get me out of those high utility bills. Do I really want to move out? What will happen to my blog? My roommate is actually down with moving out. We spoke breifly about it last night. Then he did some weird balerina dance to the bathroom. What a wacko. What should I do? If I had like 1,000 fans then maybe it would be worth staying in hell for another few months just so I could complete my impending book deal with Random House.

I dont know. All I know is that by November 1st I may be moving but dont worry people. I think I have enough stories to last a life time even if I don't continue to live with The Roommate.

One of my fans thinks i'm cool and wants to know more about me. Hmmm. What would you like to know fan?

Thursday, September 13, 2007

SUCCESS! and short new roommate info

I RECIEVED ANOTHER POST FROM SOMEBODY I DONT KNOW TODAY. I APPRECIATE THE POST. ITS VERY COMFORTING KNOWING THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO FEEL FOR ME AND SUPPORT MY CAUSE. I MAY START A NON PROFIT FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME.


So, I am showing the house today to a prospective tenant. My roommate knew that he had to help clean the house enough to be presentable. I woke up this morning to the typical slamming bathroom cabinets and hairdryer and noticed that he had cleaned his room. Thank God. I went downstairs and realized that his room was the only thing he had cleaned. He left dishes in the sink plus left blankets and pillows on the couches that his friend who slept over last night used. On his way out of the house he had the F'ing nerve to say "my room sure looks a lot better than yours." First off. I woke up later and didn't get to cleaning it yet. Two is, I'm the one showing the F'ing house, not him. I have to come home from work to do this. He wouldn't do that. Also, I am the one who had to remind him over and over again to clean. PLEASE GOD, PLEASE LET THIS PERSON LIKE THE HOUSE SO I CAN MOVE OUT.

Monday, September 10, 2007

PEE SMELL

CLEANING SERVICE WAS HERE THREE DAYS AGO. ROOMMATE GOT HOME LAST NIGHT. NOW, ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE TOILET VICINITY SMELLS LIKE PISS. WHAT THE F

YOU ARE 28 YEARS OLD. MAKE IT IN THE BIG HOLE IN FRONT OF YOU.

DOES ANYONE THINK THAT I SHOULD MAKE MY ROOMMATE PAY FOR 75 % OF THE LAST TWO ELECTRIC BILLS?

Sunday, September 9, 2007

SMELL YOURSELF TO SLEEP?

ROOMMATE AND GIRLFRIEND ARE HERE. THEY JUST WENT TO SLEEP. MY ROOMMATE SPRAYED COLOGNE ON HIMSELF THEN ENTERED HIS ROOM AND SHUT THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.

Cologne?

HOUSE IS CLEAN BUT TOOTHPASTE IS GONE

GOT HOME LAST NIGHT FROM MY LAST MINUTE LA TRIP. THAT PLACE IS SWEEEET! I was very upset being back and the last thing I wanted was to see my roommates pig mess. I was surprised to come home to an extremely clean house, then remembered that I booked cleaning ladies before I left. My roommate must have let them in. Anyway, I woke up and went to brush my teeth. I had two tubes of toothpaste in my medicine cabinet. They are both gone. What the F. I just want to be a normal 28 year old and be able to brush my teeth when I want to brush my mother F'ing teeth....... damn it!
Now I have to leave my house with my mouth smelling like his room.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

SICK FRIEND

MY COLLEGE FRIEND ANDREW WAS IN TOWN FOR HIS BROTHERS WEDDING. HE STAYED AT MY PLACE WEDNESDAY NIGHT; HE HAD AN EARLY FLIGHT TO LA THE NEXT MORNING AND I SAID THAT I WOULD DRIVE HIM TO THE AIRPORT. WE HUNG OUT FOR A LITTLE AND THEN AS A JOKE I DECIDED THAT I WOULD NAME MY OWN PRICE AT PRICELINE.COM. WELL, IT TOOK MY PRICE AND NOW I AM IN LA AT THE W HOTEL. THAT'S NOT WHY I AM WRITING.

I HAVE TALKED ABOUT HOW MY ROOMMATE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THERMOSTATS AND HOW OUR ELECTRIC BILLS ARE THROUGH THE ROOF. $ 450 last month, a slight improvement this month to $399. Anyway, when I arrived in LA, I couldn't find my friend because he lost his phone at the airport that morning. I took a later flight. So I was forced to stay at the Beverly Hilton last night which wasn't too shabby but also not free like his hotel would have been. I finally found my friend this morning and he was sick as a dog. He said, dude, you need to get out of that house. Your roommate got me sick. The house was so cold. I have been coughing and puking since I got here. I really think I caught pneumonia in your house.

If there is a Pneumonia outbreak in the world it probably started in my house. I think I saw he penguin the other day.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

FICA SCORE KILLA

THE ROOMMATE CREDIT KILLER ALMOST STRIKES AGAIN TODAY.

TODAY, WHILE WORKING FROM HOME, MY ROOMMATE COMES BACK TO THE HOUSE FROM SCHOOL. HE STARTED PACKING A BAG SO I ASKED HIM WHERE HE WAS HEADED. HE AND A FRIEND WERE GOING TO ATLANTIC CITY TO PLAY IN A POKER TOURNAMENT.

"COOL, MAYBE I'LL MEET YOU DOWN THERE LATER"

I JUMPED INTO THE SHOWER BECAUSE I HAD AN APPOINTMENT. WHILE SOAPING UP I HEAR MY ROOMMATE YELL, "YO, I NEED TO ASK YOU FOR A HUGE FAVOR." I SIGHED HEAVILY KNOWING THAT I WOULDN'T LIKE THE REQUEST. IT WAS EITHER THAT HE NEEDED A RIDE SOMEWHERE OR HE NEEDED MONEY.

"WHAT'S THAT?"

"I NEED TO BORROW LIKE TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR TONIGHT"

A GRUNT AND ANOTHER SIGH CAME OUT OF ME. "WHY?"

" BECAUSE i JUST CHECKED MY ACCOUNT AND I ONLY HAVE 30 DOLLARS IN THERE."

I IMMEDIATELY LOST MY SHIT, NOT BECAUSE HE NEEDED MONEY BUT BECAUSE LAST MONTH HE F'D MY CREDIT BECAUSE HIS CHECK BOUNCED FOR THE MORTGAGE AND I HAD JUST FED-EX'D SEPTEMBERS PAYMENT YESTERDAY.

"DUDE, FIRST OFF, ITS NOT MY JOB TO BAIL YOU OUT, SECOND, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING TO HAPPEN WITH THE MORTGAGE PAYMENTS I JUST SENT IN?

"I CHECKED, THEY ALREADY WITHDREW IT."

"WELL, THAT'S CURIOUS CONSIDERING I JUST SENT IT YESTERDAY AFTERNOON. WHY ARE YOU LYING, YOUR GOING TO FUCK MY CREDIT UP FOR GOOD AND I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.

HE SAID "SHIT" AND THEN I HEARD THE FRONT DOOR TO THE HOUSE SHUT. i REALLY HOPE HE IS GOING TO RESOLVE THIS TODAY.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

TELEVISED BOXING MATCH

THE HOUSE WAS EMPTY THIS WEEKEND. I WENT TO THE BEACH AND MY ROOMMATE WENT AWAY WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. I GOT HOME BEFORE HIM AND WANTED TO START PREPARING FOR THE NEW WEEK BY DOING SOME LAUNDRY. IN THE WASHER THERE WERE WET CLOTHES THAT SMELLED BADLY OF MILDEW AND ALSO HAD WEIRD YELLOW STUFF ALL OVER THEM. I ALSO NOTICED THAT THEY WERE ALL MY CLOTHES AND TOWELS. WHY HE DECIDED TO DO A LOAD OF MY LAUNDRY AND NOT DRY THEM ELUDES ME BUT TO MAKE IT WORSE, HE DECIDED TO WASH A PACKET OF VITAMINS WITH MY CLOTHES, HENCE THE YELLOW STUFF. UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE.

NOW I BET YOU ARE THINKING THAT HE MUST HAVE DONE THIS ON PURPOSE. I DONT THINK SO BUT SOMETIMES I THINK THAT HE KNOWS ABOUT THIS BLOG. MY FRIENDS THINK THAT THIS BLOG WILL LEAD TO A MUCH ANTICIPATED BOXING MATCH WHICH WILL BE TELEVISED