Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Ambien trip out

I am very close to sleep right now. I am stretching across the vast crevasse between conscience and unconsciousness. My body is warm and my mind is cloudy, its a very difficult and very slow process typing these words as if molasses has just attacked my keyboard. My brain feels as equivalent to what a computer screen d0es after it has contracted a virus and try to switch to another webpage.

So I thought it would be funny to write while on Ambien when I am crossing the abyss between life and sleep. Have you ever thought to yourself, why people so self absorbed and self stupid and anxious and just lost in some kind of television series. Why is there so much drama in this world? Are we a reality show for the good people on Neptune? That would kill American Idols ratings. I mean think about it. What is everyone so stressed out about and always giving themselves heart attacks for? Money? Greed? (the room just turned sideways, I swear) I don't always take ambien, just when my roommate gives me some. I was down in Costa Rica and everyone down there, although pretty poor, were pretty happy with their lives in the sunshine. Meanwhile, I enjoyed reading the only newspaper printed in English called the Freakin Rican. I made that up but it was a very well written newspaper with great articles. One was about how the United States wanted to open up free trade with Costa Rica and the Costa Ricans weren't having this. It would raise the price of local goods and put Costa Ricans out of business due to the cheap US imports. Its unreal how we Americans, live underneath a large Amex card government designed to lend money to the poorest of nations in order to help them fix the governments and spark trade but our government knows that this doesn't work. The money we lend goes to the richest people in these third world countries or gets stolen, but we don't care. Its our way of looking like we are helping when really all we are doing is getting rich of the high interest payments we charge these third world countries and in return keeping them down.

The moral of this wacky run-on stream of conscience is that we are one big heart attack, panic attack waiting to happen in our country and we all need to lighten up. Take a step back, breath and think about the most important thing in life. Bashing my roommate.

Shit Im tired. I will continue this never.

Slip sliding away...........................


My roommate is actually a good friend of mine and I appreciate him as a person (sometimes). I'm not just writing this just to lessen his anger on the day he finally finds out about this blog (well maybe a little) but because he really has been a good friend and has listened and helped me out with alot of my superficial worries and problems. Its just that he is really an annoying roommate and does alot of weird things and it has to stop before I yard-a-pult him into a backyard of another house where he hopefully finds a door that leads him to another galaxy.

ok, now im just being crazy, but seriously they do exist. Those doors. It's kind of like in Super Mario Bros. Its like a warp world.

Ok, bedtime.


6PM: Roommate gets home from work and goes right to his room . I'm sitting on couch relaxing after work.

6:15PM: Roommate comes downstairs and asks if I want to eat or get pizza or something. I say yes but I was leaving for the gym so if he decides to get food, order me something and I will him when I got home and i'll heat up the food.

8:30PM: Call my roommate on the way back from gym to ask if he picked up any pizza. He said he did. I get excited. I ask if he got me anything. He said, there were two slices left in the fridge for you. He said he left me a note on my glass bathroom cabinet explaining that there were two slices for me. I get pissed. Keep in mind that the pizza place we typically get food from is gourmet, so they are very tiny slices. Two pieces equal one half slice regular pizza. So you can see that I was quite upset. I ask why he didn't get anything for me when he knew that I asked. His Excuse: I didn't know where you were. My response: So you didnt get me anything? His Response: I did but didnt know where you were. My response: You didnt know where I was right after you left and after I asked you to get me something for when I got back? Do you have some sort of Flux Capaseter problem or some kind of camera in the house connected to your watch? Well, if you got me something, then why would you eat it, you must be lying. His Response: I didn't think you wanted it anymore because you were gone so long. My response: Yeah, but if you got me something, then there would be alot more left over then two slices unless you ate two large gourmet pies yourself.

Right now its 11:00 PM. I'm freaking starving and just saw a mouse. I'm pissed. I think I am going to have to eat an ice cream sandwich. I really need a girlfriend. Not that a girls job is to make me food and treat me like an incompetent King but that would be nice.

Wet Socks

I really dont understand how somebody can make the bathroom so wet. I don't think I could make it that wet if I tried. Its like he has developed some new molecular formula for super water and it penetrates everything in the bathroom and my socks.

Do you know how annoying it is, when you are getting dressed for work in the morning, you are in a pretty good mood and then the bottom of your socks get wet? If you dont know I'll tell you. It sucks, and its annoying.

What the F?


Woke up to a hairdryer. Who uses a hairdryer? I went to the bathroom and he was drying his chest hair.

Monday, July 30, 2007


I just asked my roommate about a half hour ago if he wanted to order food or go food shopping which never happens. He said, Yeah, but lets go food shopping another day. 30 minutes later my roommate runs downstairs with jeans and no tshirt and grabs his keys by the front door.

"Yo, Where you going?"

"To pick up food"

"With no shirt on?"

"No, its here at the front door"

"Dude! Didnt I just ask you if you wanted to order food? What are you some kind of R tard? You're an asshole"

Just another day.



Saturday, July 28, 2007

The Great Flood

Time: Morning

Location: Kitchen

Reason: Thirst

My Actions:
1. Open refrigerator

2. Soaked by refrigerator flood

3. Yell, "you fucking idiot!"

Moral: Good Roommates don't forget to push in the nozzle after receiving water from the extra large Poland Spring water container.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Sex Tape.

It was Sunday at around 10:30 AM. I'd just returned home early from the Jersey shore because I had to work. The house was a freaking mess and there were sleeping bags on the couch. Then I remembered my roommate mentioning something about house guests a few weeks before. When I got to my bedroom , I noticed that there were other peoples folded clothes at the base of my perfectly made bed. I never make my bed! So I thought to myself, OK, his friend and friends girlfriend must have slept in my bed. No big deal, but it was obvious by the folded clothes that they were still in town and just temporarily out of the house, maybe at breakfast or something. They must mean that they made my bed without washing the sheets! That's fucked up. There is no way in hell that they woke up early enough, after a night of drinking, to do a load of laundry. Even worse, my camcorder, which I haven't touched for ages, was out of its case. Great! Not only did a couple who I don't know sleep in my bed but they made a sex tape and didn't wash my sheets. On top of all that, there was this pink silly puddy type crap stuck all over my carpets. I was freaking out at this point. Everything was starting to really piss me off. This was the straw that broke the roommates back. I heard voices coming up the steps to the front of the house so I started back downstairs to the front door. I overheard a conversation between my roommate and his friend that went like this:
Roommates friend-"You guys really need to take your trash out, that's gross"
Roommate- " Yeah, tell me about it. That's my roommates responsibility"

I couldn't believe my ears. He blamed it on me? He obviously didn't know I was home and would be waiting for him right behind the front door.

From there was just one big freak out session. I basically embarrassed him in front of his friends and girlfriend and made myself look like a maniac.

Later that night, I confronted him about the situation. He said that nobody slept in my bed. So now he lies.

I never found the sex tape.

Super Bowl Lingers

Why is that Keg from the Super Bowl still in our house?

Thursday, July 26, 2007


If my roommate was a super hero his name would be Sonic Boom Man. Sonic boom mans voice can penetrate even the thickest of walls and kill a man standing a mile a way. How did sonic boom man develop such a deep and destructive voice? The reason is two fold. One: Sonic Boom Man is a bit hard of hearing so he doesnt realize when he is using his full sonic ability. Two: Sonic Boom Man was born with a concave chest from which all sound eminates and booms.

I now sleep with Ear Plugs. Its no fun hearing Sonic Boom Man whispering phone pleasures to his long distance girl friend. Whats the point of using a phone. Just talk and she will hear you. She's only two states away.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

The Noise Part Uno

It happened again this morning. The noise. The one that wakes me up too early every morning. The same noise that stopped me from setting my alarm clock 2 yrs ago. The pounding sound of medicine cabinet doors and drawers in the bathroom. Its almost as if he is doing it on purpose. I have not heard so many drawers open and close so rapidly in my life. Not even in my mom or ex-girlfriends bathrooms.

Go easy on the cabinets dude! They are connected to my bedroom wall. Shit!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007


1. I wake up in the middle of the night thirsty as a mo fo after getting really drunk earlier in the evening. I got up, walked downstairs to the kitchen to get a drink. On the way to the kitchen I thought about how good the water would taste and how smart I was for purchasing this jug of WAWA water knowing this drunken moment would come. (WaWa is a convenient store in Philadelphia area.) . I opened the refrigerator and there it was, that sweet sweet jug of WaWa water but wait, jug was pretty much empty. I would have been less annoyed if it was completely empty and thrown out then be left in the fridge with enough water for no more then a quarter cup. Fuck! Who does that? How the hell did he go through that water so quickly? I looked up to the next shelf and sitting there, illuminated by the flickeing refrigerator light was his retainer. I almost freaked out. No water and my roommates retainer. Crazy! What 26 year old man wears retainers anyway? I didn't know what to do. I wanted to wake him up and be like "Listen you sick fuck, get your act together and respect your roommate." but we had just moved in and I didn't want to seem like the crazy, tight ass roommate. I took some nasty tap water and went back to bed.


I would consider myself to be a somewhat easy going person. Over the past few years, out of pure frusteration and exhaustion, I have let go of trying to keep the house in the condition that I would like if I lived alone. This is an important tid-bit for people wondering if maybe I am to blame for some of the issues. Also, college roommates will confirm that he was the same nasty person back then.
When we moved in we had a decision to make. One of us would get the back parking spot and the other would get the big room with the larger closet and weird 1980's remote control TV stand that comes down from the ceiling. It was an easy decision for me. I needed parking so he took the larger room. I now enter through the back of the house 99 percent of the time because of this decision. Its rare that I walk through the front door due to the over grown front patio rain forest. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be attacked by those large rats from the Princess Bride and I'm no Dread Pirate. I fucking hate rats. Trash day is on Monday and sometimes we end up going three weeks without taking it out to the street. Now, I'll take partial responsibility for the trash problem and I'll admit my excuse is due to pure forgetfulness, however, don't you think that the person who comes through the front door, day in and day out would remind himself or his roommate that it's trash night? I think so. Last summer we developed a major mosquito problem due to the trash and standing water inside the cans. One night I was on my cell phone outside in the jungle breaking up with a girlfriend. When I came inside, I realized that the mosquito's had destroyed my legs. The next day I felt sick and I decided that I was going to call the CDC on his ass. West Nile. Ever hear of it ROOMMATE! We also had a very large furry creature living on our premises. I hope it attacks him.


Personality update:

ME: pretty clean and organized, don't mind a mess as long as its cleaned within the week. Somewhat of a hypochondriac when it comes to food preperation. Raw meat on counter tops etc..

Roommate: Really dirty. Likes to live in filth. Enjoys bad smells of dirty clothes sitting for weeks and same with the roaches who live in them.

Put on some pants

I just thought of another good roommate story. For some reason he thinks its ok to walk around the house in tight boxer briefs like he is all alone or with his girlfriend or something. So one day, the door bell rings. It was a food delivery guy. He runs down the steps and goes outside to greet the chinese food delivery guy in his tight boxer briefs. I was looking out the window and realized that he scarred the shit out of the guy. He probably thought this crazy white boy was going to rape him or something WHO DOES THIS??

Put on some damn pants!

Holy Shit, My Roommate is Wacky

Hi Everyone,

This is my first blog posting devoted to everyone who is living with or has lived with a "roommate from hell". I truly believe, that my roommate, could be as close to a Ten on the bad roommate scale as possible and I challenge anyone who reads my blog to challenge me with their bad roommate stories.

I'm going to start by giving a background to my story:

About 4 years ago in the middle of the real estate boom , I decided that buying a property would be a great investment. I wanted a townhouse but all of them were a bit over my price range. After failing to get financing from my parents I decided that maybe a smaller condo may be my best option. That week I received a phone call from an old friend who I'd lost touch with during the college years. He was moving back home to go to med school and he was looking for a place to live or a roommate. I sell real estate for a living so he called me to get my advice. He explained how he would love to buy something but after looking online everything that he was interested in was too expensive. A week before I looked at a property that had just hit the market; it was exactly what I wanted. Living in a small studio apartment in the heart of town for a year was starting to annoy me so I thought that maybe it would be nice have a roommate again. Plus, I could split the property with a friend to afford a larger place. After describing the property to him he became interested in the idea and said that we should go look at it. The next day my friend who I hadn't seen in 4 years and I went to look at the townhouse. He flipped over it. While we were in the front private patio he started jumping around like a ballerina and in the most feminine voice said "Oh, wouldn't it be fabulous if we lived together." I instantly remembered how crazy and goofy he was. Long story short: We purchased the place, had a lawyer draw up a partnership agreement and we settled on the house.

I have remembered most of the insane, selfish, dirty/unsanitary and clumsy instances which I will lay out for you in the weeks to come. Don't get me wrong, I like him as a friend but as a roommate, well, you'll see.

Each day, I'm going to update my blog with the wacky and weird things that happen here in this house/hell that Im living in because oh yes, something happens everyday. Some won't seem as funny or as exciting as others but when they occur daily they will start to annoy you and make you laugh just as they do to me.

I'll start you off with one past event now.

1. I get home from a weekend vacation in Vegas and was very worn out. I walk up stairs to my bedroom and see that the bathroom door is wide open. As my eyes start moving up from the floor I first see hair everywhere, then feet, legs, AH!! NAKED ROOMMATE SHAVING HIS BODY ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR. I couldn't believe this was happening. I freaked out and said that he was the strangest person I had ever met. He felt bad and said that he would clean all the hair up. So that next morning I go down to the basement to do some laundry. While I was picking clothes off the floor to drop into the washer I noticed that there was a small amount of pubic type hair on one of my towels. I shivered and wiped it off and continued to load the washer until all of a sudden the last towel unraveled and pubic hair flew everywhere. MOTHER FUCKER. He wrapped all the hair in a towel and put it in the dirty clothes by the washer. I almost lost it and later had a sit down talk with him about being a good roommate.

Stories like this will be posted daily. Enjoy and feel free to write me with words of comfort, competing stories or any type of response that you feel applies


Bad Roomie Club